Abstinence and the City

Leaping with Faith

2011-12-27T21:02:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. I have not had time to blog much this year. It happens, right? My life has been SO overbooked this year (that is a whole blog post idea on its own - overbooking ourselves), and something has been needing to change. As most of you know, last year at this time, I announced that I was going back to school. For the past year, I've been working full-time (with a variety of commute times), I began my Pampered Chef business in November 2010 (message me/comment me if you're interested in learning more about the products or business!), and I've been attending school part-time. This was all in addition, of course to various church responsibilities as well as a desire to have some sort of social life (or something resembling one). There were times this past year when I felt like I was barely treading water. I realized that unless something changed, my academic goals were going to be a sort of "someday" hoped for goal, something that might easily fall by the wayside unless something seriously changed. Well. That something is changing. With one of the most ginormous leaps of faith of my life thus far, I have given my notice at my full-time job and in exchange I am becoming a full-time student.
*scream*
Right?! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I truly feel like this is the right thing for my life at this time - I've been pondering and praying about it for months upon months, and now it's actually happening. My prayer NOW is that I am able to continue on this path, accomplish my goals and still be able to provide myself with the necessities of life. There is a lot of dark space in front of me yet, but I know that I've been trying to follow the path that God has prepared for me, and as I continue to seek His guidance I will be able to navigate my way through the unknown path ahead of me!

Single Lane Traffic Next Five Miles

2011-07-28T21:48:00.004-04:00

I've been living back at home now for five years. Close to the time when I moved home and began my commuter life, construction began on the freeway. It began with a bridge. The landscaping around the bridge was moved around and resculpted to allow for an expanded bridge. That job took quite a long time and then they began to expand the freeway itself - and several years later I'm still driving through construction every day.

The other week, I noticed a sign as I was driving on the opposite side of the freeway; surrounded by cement barriers to protect me as I drove on the wrong side of the road, the sign read: Single Lane Traffic Next Five Miles.

I kind of laughed to myself as I made the correlation between this construction zone and my single life - the only difference was that this sign was keeping me updated on how much longer I could expect to be in a single lane. At that moment, I kind of wished that there was some way that the Lord could just give me a little sign to let me know how much longer my life's road would be traveled "alone".

Evenso, as long as I focus on being on the correct road - even when it seems like I'm driving on the opposite side of where I "should" be, I will be able to arrive to my destination safely.

I think that sometimes it's just hard to roll with the punches when our life has turned out so differently than we ever thought it could. The other day, I also had a "how did my life get me HERE" moment. My life is pretty crazy right now - my job is not fulfilling, though Pampered Chef i LOVE and school as well. Those three things piled into my life on top of every other responsibility I may have has driven me kind of insane at times. But I guess the plan is unfolding... The open road lies ahead. There are twists and turns, slower speed limits and even detours at times... But the next stop is in sight. Plans are hoped for and being worked toward... And hopefully soon, the journey will not be as bumpy as I continue heading toward a two-lane traffic pattern ;)

The heart and its concept of time

2011-05-22T21:33:00.002-04:00

Alanis Morissette once sang, "and I have no concept of time other than it is flying," and I daresay most of us can readily agree with that statement. I had a moment though, the other week. A moment when my heart seemed to go back and stand still in time for just a moment before my intellect screamed me back to the here and now.

Have you ever loved someone and simply due to circumstances it was no longer acceptable or appropriate to love them? Again, Alanis sings, "and I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this." We move on and get through the initial pain of loss in our heart, and as Felicity (from the show of the same name) once pointed out, it's more like we just learn to live with the broken heart. I guess you could say it heals, but the scars are still there.

The moment I had the other week was simply a moment when my heart just filled with love toward this person that is really not much in my life anymore. The memory of tender times past - a time when propriety had no role in whether or not I loved this person. And I realized how much I miss having someone to love. Even if it was someone that couldn't love me back, or rather, acknowledge that love.

Regardless, it really is good to be in love. And there are moments when I really miss it. Hopefully there will come another time when propriety will be on my side.

Are you there blogosphere? It's me - Angela

2011-05-22T20:15:00.004-04:00

Hello strangers! It has been a crazy 2011 so far. My semester is over (straight A's mind you!), which means I survived Meteorology - it was touch and go there for awhile. My Pampered Chef business is doing well, too, which I am loving. It's fun and I am earning money doing it! What a concept, I say!

I'm trying to feel out how things are going to pan out over the next while, though. Things are getting to the point where my school schedule and work schedule are not getting along very well. Definitely "does not play well with others." So time will tell... I'm at present waiting it out to see where I'm led. I've got one summer class and two in fall - at that rate it'll be foreeeeeever until I obtain my Middle School Ed. degree. So as I said, time will tell.

Other things I've been working on - I am planning to walk a 5K on June 11 with the people from my Weight Watchers group. I'm excited to officially complete an official one. I've also signed up to do the Cleveland Heart Walk 5K in August with my co-workers, so I'm working to raise money for that. If you're interested in helping, let me know via message and I'll send you the link - or I may post it to my blog actually at some point in the near future.

Basically, that's the reader's digest condensed version of what the last 5 months has been for me. What have you been up to? Hit me up in the comments section and validate me!

Is winter over yet?

2011-01-14T21:03:00.003-05:00

I said BRR!! It's cold out here! Well, in here, too! Anyway, I had to change my blog up a bit as it's been forever, per usual, right? The picture is from my vaca in May to the church historic sites in MO and IL. It was only awesome.

So my holidays were good! My mom and I spent some time up in Michigan with my brothers that live up there. So that was good times. New Year's Eve was chill - my mom and I had some ladies from our ward over and we ended up chatting and snacking all night. A perfect night in really!

Other than that... Things are starting to get pretty hectic. School starts next week - I've got 3 classes. One on Tuesday evening, one on Wednesday evening, and one online. So it ought to be interesting. Plus, I'm working full-time still and of course I am now an Independent Consultant for the Pampered Chef, so I'm doing that on the side. So if you're interested in hosting a show or making a purchase, I'm your girl!
Anyway... All that and my church responsibilities as well! So, I'm about to be a crazy busy girl. But it's all good. Being busy forces me to get better organized and become more productive. Hopefully I haven't taken too much on, but I think all things will fall into place where they need to be.

One thing I've been thinking about is how there will be coming a time, probably in the not so distant future, that I'm going to have to make a decision about my 8-5 job. I've been toiling over it for months - knowing that the time will be coming. It's hard because it's a decent paying job and it's not horrible at all. I get bored and ADD sometimes, yes, and I know that for me - I'm not planning to really move up in my company. It's just not where my career goals lie. I'm planning to have a conversation with my boss and see if there is any possibility in the future for schedule flexibility... However, in the case that there isn't, I will need to consider getting a different job. Either a part-time type job so that I can go to school full-time or something second shift may accomplish my purposes. So if anyone has any ideas about a job that might fit into either of these categories and pays acceptably well... Let me know. I, of course, would loooooove it if my Pampered Chef business was strong enough to carry me through the rest of my schooling, but I'm still just getting started and building it up. It's been great so far. I love the products, I love cooking and socializing anyway, and now I get to make money for doing it. How awesome is that? If any of YOU have any questions about it, feel free to ask away :)

At any rate... I felt that I was highly overdue to update my bloggeroo, and so I did. I am not making any promises that I'll ever be regularly writing in it... I doubt most of you even read it often. And now, without further ado, I will cease my rambling... Adieu!

2010 Wishlist

2010-11-25T18:50:00.004-05:00

Well, here it is. The 2010 wishlist. I am having a hard time thinking of things, though... These are in no particular order. The first thing shown, doesn't have to be that same brand or anything, just a pic of one to give a general idea. Anyway... What kinds of things are on YOUR wishlist? Comment me and let the games begin!

Crisis Averted!

2010-11-02T19:22:00.005-04:00

Well after much anxiety I have a definite course of action before me that is quite achievable! After meeting with an advisor at Lake Erie College, I have a plan. For several weeks I’ve been overcome with anxiety as I thought about returning to school and what it was going to do to my life – especially when the class schedule offered at LEC was not conducive to my work schedule – not in any way, shape or form. But la! The advisor at LEC has informed me that there are quite a few classes that I can take through Lakeland Community College that will transfer and count for my major in Middle School Education at LEC. So, I’m not back in the process of discussing things with LCC. I’ve got a good few semesters worth of classes that I can take at LCC, which not only means that classes will be available when I can take them, but they will be far less expensive! Can we say win/win?! Next step is meeting with the Ed. Advisor at LCC and registering for classes at the end of the month! So excited and relieved!

In other news, I’ve been constantly thinking about and considering selling Pampered Chef… Anyone have any experience with this type of venture that you may want to expound upon? Comment it up and let me in on the good, the bad and the ugly!

Life and stuff

2010-10-06T21:50:00.002-04:00

So things are moving right along with my plans for school... I've filled out my FAFSA and am waiting for the school to process my FA info - hopefully I will be able to find a way to fund my educational pursuits without having to incur a ton of debt. Debt is not my idea of fun. Especially in this economy and especially when aside from my vehicle and student loans from 1995 (there's not that much, it's just been deferred for the more part of the last 15 years until more recently) I'm in debt to no one. As far as I know anyway ;)

I'm getting pretty excited at the prospect of starting classes. I've got my transcript evaluation all done and it looks like there are 3 core reqs that I'm gonna need. Boo to having to take my first Math class since Fall 1995. And a science with a lab. Who cares about science?! And a critical thinking class, I believe there are two choices. I keep reading class descriptions and get a little nervous about attending a small liberal arts college... Cause I am a thoroughly conservative libertarian, and there's a lot of liberal mumbo jumbo that can drive me a wee bit batty. So we shall see how this all progresses :)

Anyway... In other news... I started attending Weight Watchers classes about 3 months ago. I really enjoy it. The information isn't new, really, but I have really liked having that return and report accountability. It's helped me to track everything I consume and think twice about what and when I eat, etc. I'm rather enjoying it and really like the other class members. I've lost almost 15 lbs just by doing it - rarely, if ever, exercising. It's not just a clever marketing campaign when they say, "because it works!" Ha. I even explained the points to my mom and she doesn't necessarily write and track everything, but watches what she eats and she's lost 16 lbs in the last 3 months. So it's all pretty exciting stuff. So, the past two weeks or so the LBS have been slow moving, though still downward, which is good! And in the past two weeks I've commented to my WW leader that I "just need to consistently exercise and get over this sporadic mess." So she personally challenged me to work out 5 times this week. I think I'll make it 4 - 1 hour sessions. I've got plans (Blue Man Group) Thursday and I don't work out on Sundays. And I won't have time to workout prior to the meeting Monday night (but can after!). So I'll be interested to see how this week's higher commitment to exercising non-sporadically will affect Monday night's results! Normally, I might say "thick-thinking" (it's a FRIENDS reference), but in THIS case, I might just have to say "thin-thinking!" I may or may not keep you posted. ;)

OK, so I think this might be the longest and most informative blog that I've written in many a moon... So with that, I will bid you adieu.

one your mark, get set and go now!

2010-09-16T22:18:00.002-04:00

Got a dream and we just know now! We're gonna make that dream come true!

Guess what? I got in! Yay for Lake Erie College!!!!! I am planning to start school in January, part-time, as I will be continuing to work full-time (for now).
I am waiting to hear back from the transfer students admissions advisor (who is on vaca) about getting an appointment so that I can make my academic plan.
Oh, and figure out how I'm gonna pay for this *eek*! But, I'm super excited. The plan will be to get my degree in middle school education, with my concentrations in language arts and social studies. YAHOO!!!!!!!!

forrreeeeeever

2010-09-09T23:32:00.002-04:00

OK. About a week or so ago, I'd (finally) heard back from a contact in admissions at LEC. In said email, I was informed that a decision should be made and I'd hear something... by the end of LAST week. I've been checking the mail like crizazy every day. I hate the suspense of not knowing.

why is it once we've decided that we can wait forever for something that it actually starts to feel like it will BE forever until that thing is brought to pass. returning to school, marriage, kids. LIFE. Life waits for no one. And yet I'm in the longest proverbial line ever. Just saying.

Hadn't posted for awhile. I thought I'd give you something.

Update on the approaching change

2010-08-26T21:47:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone! Thought I'd update my blog - as per usual my posts are at best sporadic. So previously I'd mentioned returning to school to pursue HR Management... Many of you may know, however, that my first choice was actually Education. I had been looking for online programs for an undergrad in Ed. and it was all to no avail. There were so few of them and it just didn't seem to be working out.
Cut to my meeting with the academic counselor at Lakeland Community College. In our discussions, she told me about the affiliations they have with other schools in order to assess my options for the HRM degree. When I realized that there were options out there that I had not yet been able to consider... I asked if per chance any of these affiliations happened to have an Education degree. There was one with Cleveland State University, though, I would eventually need to go to classes in downtown Cleveland to finish up there [at CSU]. However, the counselor also mentioned another option which is actually nearer! She said that Lake Erie College actually has an Education program. LEC is actually even closer than LCC to where I live. Bonus, right?
That night I began looking into it - dropped the classes for which I had registered at LCC and within the next two days, I had ordered all of my previous transcripts, requested two of my acquaintances to send letters of recommendation and completed the online application (essay and all).
Since then I've just been waiting to hear. I had emailed one of the admissions advisors and wanted to make sure that they had all of my information, and agonizingly it took over a week to hear back. I heard back today and received confirmation that they did indeed receive all of the necessary information and I should hear back on the decision by the end of next week! Yay! So I've got fingers crossed. I'm really hoping this all works out! I'm so anxious to get everything squared away and plan things out with the timeline, determine how long it will take me to actually get my degree (I will need to continue working full-time and attend school part-time at first), etc.
In Ohio there's a middle school education degree which certifies teaching 4th-9th grade. I'm all over that. With this degree, you pick two of four areas of concentration: math, science, language arts and social studies. The latter two subjects will be my subjects of preference. TOTALLY excited. Again, I just hope and pray that everything falls into place for this plan. I've been wanting to do this for quite some time, and it finally feels like this might be the answer! So thick thinking (aka lucky thoughts)!!!

Change approaching!

2010-07-26T22:12:00.003-04:00

Well I've got my meeting this week with an academic counselor at the College I'm planning to start classes! Hopefully they've received all of my transcripts and I'll be able to get some encouraging news at the meeting. I've already registered for a couple of classes and have been waiting for this meeting to discuss things and make sure that things are on track.

I'm still wondering at times what I REALLY want to be when I grow up. Honestly, more than any worldly career, I'd love to be a wife and mother, but seeing as though I haven't found the right opening for which to apply for that position, I must continue elsewhere! In discussing the idea of careers with a friend of mine, she suggested that I take a career test at my college. I may inquire on that and see what it turns out saying. So stay tuned, and I'll keep you updated :)

Also, if you're interested in Jane Austen, check out: www.janeaustenanonymous.blogspot.com
:)

Stress Fest

2010-07-18T18:25:00.002-04:00

For the love of everything good in this life. The last few weeks have been stress fest for me. I've gotten to that point where corporate America is sucking my will to live. And I feel stuck. Even with the change approaching this fall of returning to school and with the hopes of improving and bettering myself and my situation (which isn't BAD, per se, just AAAAHG). Something has got to give, though. Living a life where on Sunday afternoon all of a sudden a ball of anxiety begins to churn in your stomach because of the approaching week and all that it will bring... Well, that's just not a good thing. Granted, I will be given an opportunity soon to work some from home and the days of 70+ mile one way commutes have come to an end... But I'm wondering if it will ultimately make me feel any better. So I've just been spending much of my life feeling frustrated lately.
It seems to me that there are very few lucky ones out there - very few people that love what they do. I've often heard people say that the real trick to life is to do what you love and find a way to get paid doing it. So if anyone has any suggestions on how I can make bank being me, holla at a sista.

In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow...

2010-07-06T22:14:00.002-04:00

Recently, I had read a few blogs and discussed with a few other “singles” the idea of having held back on life decisions because “what if…” What if I meet someone next year, how can I be in school, move, change jobs, etc. One such blog post, by Why I’m Still Single, discussed this and how, essentially, it equates to basing your life decisions on a person that doesn’t even exist [in your life yet]. I’ve come to realize and accept that while I may have begun this behavior subconsciously, I perpetuated it mini-consciously. You know, not really admitting it to myself even while the thought floats by ever so briefly…

I have decided that the time has come to live my life the way it was meant to be lived. I have been toying with the idea of returning to school for quite some time. I’ve been back in Ohio now for 4 years. I never planned on being here that long, and at the time chose not to attend school with the thought that “I might not be living here next year,” or whatever the excuse may be. Now, I’m saying, "screw that mess!"

I’ve pondered upon it, and this past weekend made the first step. Granted, it’s community college, but education is education and it will work with my work schedule. Although it isn’t working toward what I had previously thought about pursuing, I am pleased at this time with the decision to pursue a degree in Human Resources. I’m in the process now of getting everything squared away in order to begin classes this fall. It’s an exciting change, a new path toward progress. I’m hoping that it will work out with the timing of other life situations so that in a couple of years I will complete an AS in HRM and be able to expand my occupational horizons, perhaps with a move elsewhere and idealy continuing my education further – the options can and will be unlimited. There is no imaginary potential person holding me down or back.

What it all really boils down to is fear. We often doubt ourselves to such an extent that we render ourselves incapable of the potential lying before us. There comes a time when you just have to take a leap into the unknown and allow yourself to realize your capabilities. The trick is to learn to navigate the twists and turns with an open mind and open heart and accept that even when things don’t work out exactly the way we had expected or wanted, it doesn’t mean we’re at a dead end - sometimes the twists and turns are what really fulfill the dreams we didn't even know we had.

A collage... A stolen idea from my friend's amazing blog!

2010-06-09T22:39:00.005-04:00

So fun - an autobiographical collage!

QUESTIONS:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Directions
- Go to Google image search and do be careful.
- Type in your answer to each question.
- Choose a picture from the first three pages
- Use this website (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.

Four years? Seriously?!

2010-06-09T21:50:00.002-04:00

So I meant to post this last week... But here it is!

It was four years ago this week that I had gotten all of my belongings packed up and I left Salt Lake City. I miss my life there muchly, but I can see many reasons why I have been where I now am. I’ve had so many opportunities since moving home! I never ever dreamed that Ashtabula, Ohio would hold much for me. I was wrong, however.
When I left SLC, it was with a heavy heart, which led to a broken heart. I had hopes of moving to the east coast to another area high in LDS Singles population, however, that was not my lot at that time. Instead:
- I found a great job
- I’ve been able to serve in my stake and as an ordinance worker at the temple
- I was able to get out of debt
- I was able to purchase a car with a good down payment when I needed to
- I was able to get lasik
- I was able to go on my dream vacation to England and France
- I’m able to spend time with my oldest friends and be here for many of their important life events
- The above also goes for family and family events
- My mind has opened politically, intellectually and spiritually and all three can be combined!

This, and so much more, has been the result of what I never dreamed would be a good thing. I’ve had experiences and opportunities I never expected. There’s still so many more dreams to earn, but I feel like this was an appropriate stop along the way to so much more than I ever considered would be possible. So even though Ashtabula can be quite the social challenge for a single LDS woman, it’s proven to be more than I ever imagined it could be.

A lady's imagination...

2010-04-25T22:04:00.003-04:00

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." - Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice

And this is why Jane Austen transcends time. She understood human nature SO well and characterized so vividly so many of these human idiosyncrasies. P&P was written 200 years ago, and yet I've seen myself fall into this trap that Darcy describes.

It's so easy for women to go from hello to I do in the blink of their mind's eye. I think that it boils down to the fact that we are so in love with the idea of being in love that we hope for it at every corner. The trick is to learn how to rein in this psychotic phenomena. Knowing is half the battle, right ladies?

I think that in my past this rapid succession of a non-relationship has contributed to my perpetual non-relationships. My mind's eye has flashed forward to a happily ever after and I hold on to this fictional story - waiting, wishing, hoping and tormenting myself into yet another broken heart. And yet I must accept most of the responsibility for this broken heart because I had created such a strong attachment to someone that never reciprocated it. I was waiting for the reciprocation, but it never came. And so like Elinor in Sense and Sensibility, I suffer all of the disappointment of a broken attachment without ever having enjoyed the rewards.

I won't lie, though... As much as it sucks to not have much of a "dating pool" where I am now and in the demographic to which I belong, it's usually much more serene than what I'd had before. It's also given me time to solidify my determination to not settle for someone who is a stranger to reciprocity.

And those are my few thoughts for the night... ps, yes, Jane Austen IS indeed my homegirl :)

Mr Clutter update

2010-04-25T21:57:00.002-04:00

Well this weekend i've been quarantined due to pink eye. so i straightened up the clutter of my vanity a wee bit. it's so much better. but. i have a LOT of stuff. If you need any clinique lipstick, let me know. I can hook you up. :) And ps, remember the whole free gift with purchase post awhile back? the post with the multitude of pics of makeup bags? yeah. It's April. I've gotten 3 Clinique bonuses this year so far... Is it a sickness? It just might be. pps, pink eye sucks. but crises endured. my eyes are almost normal again! yay for antibiotics!

Please, Mr. Clutter!

2010-04-15T23:33:00.003-04:00

I sang that to the tune of “Please Mr. Custer, I don’t wanna go!” hahah. I’m a freak like that. I will avoid the ceremonious pointing out of the horror of my lack of bloggage and just get on with it ;)

Lately I’ve been feeling really blah. Part of it is that I’ve been practically living in my car and doing so many things away from home that when I AM home, I don’t want to do anything that needs to be done. I’m cluttered. I need to DEclutter so badly. My car, my room, my life, etc. But where does one start?

And then I have begun to wonder: Would I even be READY to be married in the state in which I live? Seriously… SHARE a room with someone? Closet and storage space?! It’s not that I wouldn’t WANT to, mind you, the question is: would I be able to effectively transition to said sharing? Looking around my pitiful and bulging room, it would appear to me that an overhaul is in order. But again, I ask, where does one start? I’ve got storage bins and organizers aplenty… I’ve got who’s its and what’s it galore! You want lots of makeup bags? I got close to 40. Seriously. *sigh*

I think my life needs some new direction, some change, some pull me out of this ruttedness. Is it because Spring is beginning? New life, change and back on the path to a fullness that we call summer? I’m supposed to be in the summer of my life, not the drudgy depths of winter! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not emotionally depressed. Just… stuck right now, I guess. A yearning for whatever it is that’s around the corner… or whizzing down the river… come on deliver to me!!!! This is a random lyric-filled post, too! How many songs can YOU name that I’ve already quoted?! Challenge extended!

OK, ok… any thoughts on decluttering and organizing? Tips and advice and things? It’s getting late, and this post is brought to you by the letters Z and z… Honestly, I’ll try and be better and write more. Just promise me that you’ll comment me and validate me.

Does this mess of a vanity portray my OWN vanity? Sure hope not!!!! Oye!!!

Come What May

2010-03-08T20:25:00.003-05:00

I have not blogged for eternity. Am I really THAT boring? Apparently, I guess I am. One of my gal pals once again saves the day with an idea that I think I can write about. Now, many moons ago, I wrote about the girls that walk in the light, see the post here!

Now, again, I am not one of these girls that walk in the light, thus I don’t particularly have a lot of dating experience, per se. Some may say I’m the Queen of the Unrequited, or the non-girlfriend aka, always the buddy but never the boo. So, the thought then comes down to this: when you are one of the girls that doesn’t date very much, how do you not overthink things when you DO go on a date, or find someone for whom perhaps you could develop an interest?

For example, say you aren’t asked out very often… When it DOES happen, it’s such a novelty, so you put all kinds of pressure on yourself and the situation. Or even if you aren’t presented with many people in whom you can BE interested… When you meet someone new for whom you could potentially develop an interest, how do you not get carried away, thus creating all kinds of pressure and unrealistic expectations?

I guess when all is said and done, it’s just important to focus on the fact that what will happen, will happen… And as we try to keep ourselves realistically grounded, we have a better chance at not creating a non-existent relationship that may lead to an uncalled for heartbreak (all in 15 minutes)!

Of course that’s usually easier said than done isn’t it? It seems to me that anticipation, for some reason, is a hurdle for humans. When we approach any type of change or potential change in life, we tend to get all worked up, anxious or put out simply from the anticipation of an event/circumstance, and the anticipation is often worse than the actual occurrence! The only solution I can come up with, is that in order to best endure these situations in life, we must focus on being solid in our principles, having faith in ourselves and our God, knowing that He will guide and direct us as we are willing to heed Him. I think that when we are happy where we’re at in our life, we can always weather whatever might come our way. It’s when we are placing our happiness/contentment on the next phase or experience that we end up lost, unhappy and filled with regret. Carpe Diem, people! Seize the day, YOUR day, be happy where you are, and with who you are, and come what may, you’ll be ready for it and you’ll be happy to greet it!

While I'm at it...

2010-02-05T23:07:00.003-05:00

Hopefully the comment moderation will come in handy... should i change it to the setting that only registered users can leave comments? thoughts? discuss. Now, moving along... I think I owe you all a proper blog entry with all this hullabaloo.

And who best to turn to, but Jane Austen? By now you all know of my obsession with all things Jane. While at Barnes and Noble recently, I had wandered into the Valentine's Day section and was somehow drawn to: The Jane Austen Companion to Love. Shocking, yes, I know. It is yet another compilation of some of her quotes - both from books and letters she'd written. So, to this book I turn.

"Nothing can compare to the misery of being bound without Love, bound to one, & preferring another. That is a Punishment which you do not deserve." - from a letter to her niece, Fanny Knight.

This is what I am so often talking about. Even in today's society we see that people settle on the one who asks rather than waiting for the one which is actually worth waiting! There are, I'm sure, plenty of reasons for marrying someone for whom you have mediocre feelings... Most of which are probably centered on a lack of self-worth. But really, who are you not to be beautiful and amazing? As long as we are being our best and striving to ever improve and be the happy, confident individuals our Heavenly Father created us to be, we have every reason to expect felicity in life - with or without marriage, I daresay :)

Comment po-po

2010-02-05T23:03:00.002-05:00

OK, after reading through the comments from those of my beloveds that would like to stay in my loop, I have decided to give the comment police deal a whirly gig... and see how that goes before I go all out and set this bad mammer jammer to private...

Going private

2010-01-30T13:11:00.002-05:00

I keep getting some sketchy suspicious comments posted - in another language. I'm worried that it may be posting links to something inappropriate. Therefore the decision is being made to go private. Although I don't update my blog as often as i SHOULD, if you would like to maintain access to my bloggy blog, please let me know so that I might be able to send you an invite. Thanks! Sorry for any inconvenience !!

or maybe even some of this....

2009-12-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

If you need a head start for Christmas shopping for me...

2009-11-30T20:54:00.002-05:00

Just sayin. ;)

It's been awhile...

2009-11-16T22:17:00.002-05:00

Well I've had another vacation and time has flown by and I have not blogged in awhile. I just got back this past Saturday from a trip to SLC. I haven't been there for 2.5 years. I can't believe it's been 3.5 years since I LIVED there. Time has flown by so quickly. So much has changed, and yet it would seem that nothing at all has changed. How does that work?!
I was reflecting on the fact that it isn't until you put yourself back into an old environment that you realize just how much you've changed. Sometimes for the better (idealy) and sometimes not so much.
Just as the streets, buildings and face of Sugarhouse have transformed, so have I within. The feeling there was different. It was beautiful, I was able to spend some delicious time with such amazing friends, visit so many old haunts and even some new ones. And yet even with so much familiarity, it was still completely different. Not bad or good, per se, just different. I am not the same woman I was 3.5 years ago. I'd like to think that I'm a bit wiser and also a bit more secure in who I am and even more resolved to follow the path that God would have me follow.
Granted, just as construction and improvements are continually being made in Sugarhouse, so I need continual change and progression, knowledge and understanding in my own life.
At any rate, that was just a little bit of thought in retrospect of my most recent travels... Other than those ramblings, I've not much else to say at the moment... It's been a long day getting back into the swing of everyday life! So for now, adieu.

Being single in an LDS world...

2009-10-26T23:00:00.002-04:00

Apparently isn’t so unusual these days. This past weekend I participated in a Single Adult Conference in Kirtland, Ohio (I was actually part of the planning committee a little bit, too) hosted by the five northern Ohio stakes of the LDS church. Overall, it was a great weekend, spiritually speaking. We were very blessed with wonderful speakers, amazing workshops and uplifted and entertained by our keynote speaker, Catherine Stokes. The panel discussion and closing remarks after lunch on Sunday (the panel included the Columbus Ohio Temple President and Matron, Karl Anderson aka Mr. Kirtland, Catherine Stokes, Kirtland Stake President, and a couple others with much knowledge and experience with single life).

Socially, it was a little difficult at times for me – being that I was on the younger end of the spectrum. I was able to have fun and further develop a friendship with another young woman from my area, and so it was in fact good times. I definitely feel that there is a need for a mid-singles type group in my area, though.

Some interesting statistics I learned in this weekend’s festivities included the fact that the most recent studies indicate that 1/3 of the members of the LDS church are single. It seems to me to be kind of an astounding number. Even more astounding was the fact that of the single members of the Church, by the age of 30, 40% of the women are still active whereas only 8% of the men are. By age 40, the men stay stagnant at 8%, but the women drop significantly to 17%. I’m curious as to why this is.

The feeling that I got during the conference was that there are too many single members of the church just fixated on their single status. We all know that the ratio of men to women = NOT SO GOOD. So, don’t go to a conference with the expectation that you will meet somebody, and you will have a good time. What we all need to do as children of God is to focus on developing our relationship with our Father in Heaven and with our Saviour, Jesus Christ. From that we develop faith. With faith we can endure the mortal disappointment(s) we may face, but as we keep on keeping on, we are happy now, strong and able to endure now and therefore preparing for a fullness of joy in the life to come. If we are fixated on something that we can’t truly control (as it is dependent upon the agency of another person as well as our own), we lose sight of the fact that “men are that they might have joy.”

Another important point I think that I learned was that as single members of a family-focused/oriented church, we are the ones that need to reach out. We need to include ourselves and reach out to our local leaders so that they are aware of what our needs are, as they are often quite different than the needs of others. This way our local leaders will be able to help us in our individual quest to come closer to our Saviour.

Personally, I have felt very blessed and included in my ward/congregation here. There is a small group of ladies (varying in age and situation in life) and I that regularly get together for girls’ nights out. Almost every other lady that participates in these GNOs is married. But I’ve been able to cultivate good friendships with them and so when there are ward activities, I don’t feel that the rest of the ward is paired off – I’m there with my friends and their families. It further strengthens my conviction that there is nothing in this life, not situation, disappointment, nor individual that has the power to take away the testimony that I have of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and quite literally, I’d be damned if I allowed them to rob me of my faith. Nothing is worth losing that.

Hope and Happiness?

2009-10-21T21:45:00.001-04:00

I had an interesting discussion with one of my non-Mo friends recently. She, too, is single. And I must say she’s beautiful, intelligent, funny and down-to-earth. Again with the I don’t understand why she isn’t WITH someone already. The ones that she has liked and dated have chosen not to be with her, and frankly it just proves that these guys were seriously lacking in the sense department. Granted, that’s not always the case and there has to be chemistry and relationships need to click… But man ALIVE. Anyway, back to our discussion.

We were talking about how even though at times it seems futile that we’ll ever find someone with whom we may share our lives, and intellectually we’re ready to just give up and chalk ourselves up to a solitary mortality… There’s this undying HOPE within us that someday… Someday he’ll come along. Someday there WILL be a right one at the right time.

My friend’s wondering thought was: Would I just be happier to accept that it’s never going to happen and just accept that being single is it for me?

I won’t lie when I say that I, too, have wondered this. And that for some reason there is this hope deep down that won’t go away, won’t die. Intellectually, I’m so done with it because in the past 3 years I’ve only even met one person that would be worth getting to know in the romantic arena. But is that doubt, that fear – hopelessness – BETTER than having an unwavering secret hope that it will eventually all work out with someone?

I guess simply even looking at the adjectives themselves… Hopelessness, fear, and doubt are not synonymous with HAPPY. But unwavering hope is synonymous with light, goodness and yes, I daresay happiness.

One of the great blessings in the knowledge of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ is the knowledge that God is aware of us because we are His children and He loves us. He wants what is best for us and as we strive toward following the path that He would have us tread, we can be assured that there is no blessing that He will withhold from us if we live as closely to that path as we possibly can – and even when we stray, the atonement of Jesus Christ is there to make up for those strayed moments. When we realize that this mortality is just a blink of time in our existence, does it REALLY matter whether we find our eternal companion now? Or later? Sure, in my mortal mind and heart, it might kind of suck. But there is a fullness of joy that I would rather be working toward, which in the eternities can and will include a companion.

So I guess that hope that is unwavering isn’t really futile. Because as long as I am true to myself and what I know to be true, there will be a “someday.” And that someday will be so worth the wait.

Generic vs the Real Deal

2009-10-13T22:52:00.003-04:00

People are interesting creatures. Perspectives and reality can be so totally different. I think we all have cheated ourselves of reality thanks to the proverbial rose-colored glasses. It seems to me that there are times when we want something so badly, we convince ourselves that a generic version of what we really want will suffice.

Don’t get me wrong… sometimes the generic version turns out to be just as good as the real thing. There’s nothing wrong with a generic brand as long as the quality of the product is top notch. Although, all too often, we convince ourselves that while it’s not quite as good, it’s good enough… And if we continue to partake of the generic item, we become acclimated to its lesser quality. Sometimes it’s been so long since we had the real thing, we forget how good it is, and settle for the cheaper version.

I recently went shopping for cereal. I had decided on honey bunches of oats. I mean hi – clusters, almonds, golden goodness. What’s not to like? At the last minute I opted for the “great value” brand instead of the real deal. I suffered through that box. The clusters weren’t so clustery. And I don’t know what it was, but it was more like little pebbles than soft yet crunchy golden goodness in a box. What did I learn from this experience? Sometimes, it’s worth the extra effort/time/money to get the real deal.

I look around and I see so many people who have settled on the generic form of love. They’ve settled to be with someone that was good enough, or the one that finally asked, or the one that they’d been with so long, it was just comfortable. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that the storybook kind of love is out there, that it exists. There are countless songs, stories, poems, etc. that tell of love - the stuff that dreams are made of. The kind of love that is unconditional, selfless and filled with passion. I have to believe that it really exists. I have seen it exist with a few people I know and know of. What is it that makes people settle for the generic version? I’m not sure. But I am grateful that I am not one of them. I am happy to adopt the bridge of “21 Things I Want in a Lover” as a mantra: I’m in no hurry, I could wait forever, I’m in no rush cause I like being solo, there are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow.

At the end of the day, our Father in Heaven has a plan for each of us – it is up to each individual to realize the perfect plan that He has provided for us, by the choices we make each day. As we live each day to the fullest, striving to become a better version of the person we were the day before, striving to follow the straight and narrow path laid before us, we will be led to our very own promised land. It doesn't matter if the path isn't exactly what we anticipated, and we might not notice all of the perils from which we were diverted. But there will be a day when we will be able to look back with perfect clarity and see the wisdom that led us to that promised land.

Dear Narcissus Boy,

2009-10-09T19:33:00.001-04:00

People are interesting creatures. I think that we are naturally more n*sync with some people and not so much with others. I think I tend to be drawn to people that are more easy going, honest, have a good sense of humor and are reciprocal in their relationships. Those that are strangers to reciprocity are likely those from which I will detach.

Sometimes when we detach from these strangers of reciprocity, they freak out. These types seem to tend to end up being defensive and incapable of copping responsibility for their actions. And they also seem to think your world must revolve around them. When in fact, it does not and there is literally no possible way for you to care less, because frankly you just don’t care.

Sometimes we may be the ones that have caused the problem. We may be on the receiving end of being “Kipped” out (that is my own kind of FRIENDS reference). Instead of throwing an immature temper tantrum, going on the defense, etc. It may behoove us to look within and try to determine what we may have done or said to cause offense/ill feelings, regardless of whether or not that was our intent. A mature, rational adult would try to be objective, would they not? If you’ve spent most of a friendship expecting things and not really giving much in return (aka a stranger to reciprocity)… then you might have a fundamental problem with interpersonal relationships. Just saying.

And sometimes we just have to tell ourselves, c’est la vie. If you’ve claimed to have moved on with your life… stop dwelling on the person from the past that only spares a thought (or blog) for you when you’ve stirred the pot. In fact, you not only stir the pot, but you pull it out of the dusty cupboard, put it on the stove and wait for it to heat up so you can stir your brew. Because after the novelty of the stirriness has passed, you will again be forgotten in the abyss of a past that served its purpose, but in retrospect was just a waste.

A Paris!

2009-10-05T22:56:00.003-04:00

Sacre Coeur

La Tour Eiffel

un beau parc de paris :)

I'm not sure of the name of this bridge over the Seine...

La Tour Eiffel a nuit.

I've always wanted to see these places! Now I need to go back and seriously visit them rather than running through Paris trying to simply SEE it all! I've got more pics... see facebook or i can also send a link to the upload. Just hollar at your girl. I took over 700 pics, so beware :)

London swings like a pendulum do...

2009-10-05T22:53:00.003-04:00

The London Eye!

Kensington Palace

Changing of the Guard was pretty rad.

Buckingham Palace!

Look, kids! Big Ben!

Jane Austen is my homegirl!

2009-10-05T22:38:00.005-04:00

The Royal Crescent - if you've seen Persuasion, this should be quite familiar to you!

I thought this was picturesque... taken in Sydney Gardens. Jane Austen and her sister Cassandra often walked through these gardens!

Melissa and Me at the Roman Baths

Visiting Chawton! I heart Jane!

Chawton Cottage, Jane Austen's last home

At the Baroque Dance concert!

Melissa and I were all Regencied up for the promenade and got to be a part of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for the most people gathered in one place in Regency costume! The total was 409 people!

These are just a few pics from Bath... More to come...

On my mind and up and coming excitement!

2009-09-12T21:20:00.003-04:00

Well, I haven’t blogged in eternity it seems. I am highly overdue. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is about how if the time comes when a guy is actually interested in me – I’m not going to know how to act. I think I will be most awkward. I don’t know how to react to positive attention from a guy, I think. Again, it goes back to wanting to be with someone with whom I’ve already developed a friendship. That’s an easier transition, I think. I hate the whole game of meeting/dating. I just want to BE with someone. That natural, at home feeling, if that makes sense. I don’t know. I’m just not the kind of girl that gets interest from guys, and so I don’t know how to deal with it. Any suggestions for the loser spinsty girl? OK, so maybe I’m not totally a loser, but I am an awkward spinster girl. Just sayin! Any suggestions? Not that I’ve got anyone knocking on my figurative door, as always. But, you know, just for future “in case” reference points.

In other news, the week of my amazing European Adventure has finally arrived. I’ve been buying all sorts of fun travel-sized things, and planning to get mostly packed this weekend. I leave this coming Thursday! SO EXCITED! I will get zillions of pics and hopefully have tons of fabulous things to share. I will be going to Bath, England first to experience the Jane Austen Festival – would you expect anything less of me? I mean, really. After spending a few days there, I will be heading to London for a few days to see all the sights! And if that wasn’t amazing and dream coming true enough, I will fulfill my lifelong dream of travelling to Paris for our last two days there! I can’t believe I will be able to have this amazing opportunity! If you have any travel tips, you can post those in my comments along with the how not to be an awkward spinster tips! Ha. Alright, Ang out. More to come later – next time I blog I will be a world traveler! Stamps in my passport and all! AAHH!!!! Yay!

If You Have to Ask...

2009-07-23T22:53:00.003-04:00

Now, I’m a girl. And as such, I tend to overanalyze things with those of the male persuasion. One lesson that I’ve had to learn is that if you’re toiling, wondering, waiting and wishing to know whether or not he’s that into you? He’s just NOT that into you. Actually, I think I realized this upon reading that book.

How much time do we women simply WASTE as we hang on, fret over whether or not we’re ‘good enough’ and overanalyze every nuance of every encounter we’ve had with the object of our affection all in the name of trying to discover whether or not he’s into you. Ladies, this is a waste. Basically, if he IS into you, you won’t be left wondering. He’ll make the effort to see you, talk to you, and generally spend time with you. One thing that men usually do when they’re into a woman is that they will invest their TIME in her.

The hit book and movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” brought this principle to light. And yet, still there are women all over the world having one sided relationships with men, holding on to any spark of a flicker of a flame in the hope that if she’s just good enough, he’ll like her. All I have to say is you are more than likely TOO GOOD for him. Forget the world, realize your amazingness and focus on what makes you happy. Chances are, pining after a man that is not your equal makes you feel a lot more miserable than happy. Just sayin!

Just as men invest time in the women they’re interested in, women invest emotion. This is why our one sided relationships ache like a “real heartache.” It IS real. But why invest that much emotion into a guy or a non-relationship that will never be? It’s easier said than done. However, as you become aware of it, you are able to recognize the unhealthiness of it all, and ideally stop the unhealthy behavior before it’s too late. And you can get by relatively unscathed. Yes, Love IS a battlefield, but you don’t have to be its casualty.

The Silent Alarm

2009-07-22T22:50:00.001-04:00

What is it about a guy; the moment you’ve decided that you give up, that you’ve HAD it and are DONE with him… He calls/texts/facebooks/whatevers you? What IS this phenomenon? I mean, really. Is there some silent dude alarm in the universe? That lets them know that the girl that’s been being strung [out] along is letting go and in order to maintain some type of sick twisted emotional control over them, they must contact said girl? I’ve had this happen to me time after time, as have many of my friends. Anyone have anything to say about this? If per chance any guys are out there, do you SENSE this pulling away?
I’m not gonna lie… Sometimes, I truly believe that when a guy is NOT into you and he KNOWS you ARE into him… And believe me, girls, he knows. I think he likes to keep you around to feed his male ego. He likes the attention, some may like the control they see they have over you. What IS that? Fortunately, with my lack of crushable men around, I haven’t had to deal with this strange phenomenon in about three years. A friend of mine recently experienced it and I felt it was absolutely blog worthy. Anyone else have any experiences/comments about this? Pray, tell!

What is Love?

2009-07-06T21:44:00.001-04:00

To me, love means many different things. There are different attributes of love. Attributes that are general and that are applicable to all types of love, i.e. romantic love, familial love, platonic love, etc. There are simple general types of behavior that should make it clear that you love somebody.

So I am going to make a list of some of my ideas of what love means to me. Feel free to comment and let me know some of the things that come to your mind when you think of what it means to love someone.

Selflessness
Kindness
Empathetic
Sacrifice
Trust
Honesty
Compromise
Objectivity
Respect
Giving without expectation of receiving
Receiving with gratitude
Happiness
Endurance
Work

I think that all of these things are necessary in some form in order for two people to have a successful, happy and peaceful relationship. What are some of your thoughts?

Settling ever after

2009-06-22T21:52:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in eons and need to. So I'll drop a few lines. A couple weeks ago I was watching TV and I was watching the new sitcom that Bob Saget is in - I can't tell you the channel or what it's called, cause I don't know. I looked it up, the show is called Surviving Suburbia. At any rate, I found myself watching it. In this sitcom, the actress that plays Barbara Jean on Reba - that show is HILARIOUS - plays the little girl's teacher. And she plays a character who is unhappy in her marriage (apparently) or perhaps she's recently divorced... and in her unhappy state she tells the little girl, "sometimes you marry the man of your dreams... and sometimes you marry the man who asks."

This just goes to show to me yet again that we live in a society that is so consumed with the idea of being married - regardless of whether or not it's to someone with whom we will have a happy life (notice I don't say perfect).

It seems to me that as women, we have focused so much on proving our worth and strength to a male driven society that we've allowed the men to weaken. We've enabled their laziness and weakness. And continue to validate it.

There has to be a happy medium somewhere. A place where women are respected, honored, cherished and feminine and men are strong, responsible, respectful and masculine. We've come so far away from the chains of gender stereo-types, but we've completely lost the celebration of our differences and how they may complement each other.

I don't know how I got to that point from my original quote of marrying the one that asks... I'm not gonna lie, it's not like anyone is asking. But I feel like I've had long enough to become secure in who I am as an individual and to know that I don't need someone else to "make me happy." I don't have to say yes to "the one that asks," because I'm willing to wait for the dream guy.

HG recipe experiment #1 - Death by Chocolate Cake Cones

2009-06-05T23:28:00.002-04:00

Pg 218 of the 200 recipes under 200 calories is this delectable treat. I gave it a whirl for tonight's girls' night and it was a delicious hit. The cake was moist and delicious. And for one cone it's only about 93 calories. What's not to like? Holla if you love you some yummy treats!

A new obsession - HungryGirl

2009-06-03T21:36:00.005-04:00

So I'm feeling the need to blog. It's been awhile. I've got ideas... I've underlined parts of Mansfield Park this past read. And I've just not gotten to it. And though I've got those types of ideas, I've decided to write a short blog about Hungry Girl.

Have you heard of her? I saw her most recent book at Sam's Club - 200 recipes under 200 calories. I bought it for one of my BFFs and after I sent it to her I had to get one for myself. I've leafed through it, but haven't tested out any of the recipes yet. Haven't planned well enough for it. But I highly recommend it. She also has a website that you can go to and sign up for her daily newsletter. She's witty and has all sorts of healthy suggestions. So she's a win/win, really :) The friend to whom I sent the book is planning a HungryGirl party with some of her friends and I'm gonna try to coordinate a similar deal with some of my gal pals for a future girls' night! Anyway... check her out. She's rad.

In other news... I got another one. That's right. A clinique bonus. A Free Gift With Purchase (FWP). It's cute. Nordstrom was the scene of the crime. Look how cute it is, though!

Sadly, in OTHER news my cute plants that I planted and wrote about a few entries ago are NOT doing well. The Zinnia flower and the basil had started poking up... but they've fizzled and died and nothing else has popped up. The wildflowers may be taking, though. I'll keep you p0sted if and when they decide to make it. :) Alright, folks, I promise to try to be better. I'm falling off all of my wagons.. the blog wagon, the workout wagon. *sigh* Why is it so hard to develop good habits and so easy to lose them??? Argh, I say, ARGH!

Fanny Price part deux

2009-05-20T20:46:00.006-04:00

OK, so I finished Mansfield Park the other day. I've decided that while she was somewhat annoying at first... She was the only one in the story with any true integrity or intuition. It is written in the book that Edmund was the one that helped to mold her mind (he is the token clergyman of this story), but she was naturally inclined to be good and virtuous evenso. Her somewhat oppressive upbringing kept her in humility and when the time was right, she proved her worth was far beyond that of those around her and what one might expect.

Virtue and integrity both seem to be dying attributes of "modern" society. Virtue and integrity do not seem to have much bearing in the progressive movement. Fanny is the epitome of conservative and she was the only one that had good sense. Somehow, I don't find that too surprising.

Fanny has turned out to be the kind of character we should all emulate. She's not as quick-witted as Lizzie, no. But she is kind, patient, long-suffering, loyal and true to herself and her values. That is true character.

I believe I had a recent post that discussed settling in marriage - settling for someone that we know we should not be with, but are so in love with being in love or the idea of being married that we allow ourselves this error. Fanny was faced with this very opportunity, but because she loved another, though at the time she felt it was hopeless, and because she was loyal to her character and the values she held dear, she persevered. We should all learn from her example... we should all hold out for the hero that our Heavenly Father has prepared for us. I'm not saying that there is only one person for every person, but there are definitely some people that the Lord would approve for us and some that he'd prefer we passed over - not because they aren't "good enough" but because they aren't as good FOR us as another may be.

Royal Happily Ever Afters?

2009-05-07T22:03:00.007-04:00

Perhaps the lives of those in nobility/royalty are the reason we have fairy tales today. I watched the Duchess tonight. It was not a happy movie. I've also just spent some time reading a little about her on wikipedia.

Georgiana Spencer Cavendish, Duchess of Devonshire was an ancestor of Princess Diana and Sarah, Duchess of York. Interestingly, the tagline for the movie in the UK was, "There were three people in her marriage..." Apparently it is a reference to a Princess Diana quote.

And so we see that many of these royal marriages were unhappy, filled with infidelity and abuse on a variety of levels. Being forced to share a home with your husband and his mistress (who had at one point been your best friend) does not seem like happily ever after to me. It's no wonder that Jane Austen wrote often about marrying for love. Fortunately for her heroines, they not only married for love but in most cases the men with whom they loved also had money.

One of the topics that I'd tossed around in my head during my most recent bout of blog-silence was the fact that there are SO many love songs out there - that must mean that there are people in the world that have truly experienced it!! I thought of this when listening to the song, Lucky, by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillet. I love that song. I'm also really digging Push by Sarah McLachlan right now (among a great many other ones).

It's kind of interesting really... We all want this magical kind of love - the stuff that dreams are made of. But in our quest and obsession with it, we try to force it from the first person that comes along that seems to be at least willing [to settle along with you]. I think that far too often we settle for less than what we deserve. We become so obsessed with finding a quick route to this magic that we look blindly past the truth that glares us in the eye - that a love like that - of our dreams - is worth waiting for.

In the [awesome] movie, The Holiday, Iris is told that she is behaving like the best friend when she's really the leading lady. When we start acting like the amazing leading lady, perhaps our hero, even a knight in shining armor, will gallop up and bring to fruition the hopes and dreams of all the love songs we've ever loved.

Fanny Price - an unlikely heroine?

2009-05-06T21:54:00.004-04:00

OK, so I am rereading Mansfield Park right now. I remember really liking it before. This time around, I’m realizing that Fanny is not my favorite of Jane’s heroines. She’s meek and humble, sure. But she’s got no backbone and completely lacks confidence and spunk. As I continue to write my thoughts on her, I may change my mind, I don’t know. She just seems so naïve, I guess. And I guess what it all comes down to, is that she has been brought up to believe that she is less than she really is.

I guess Fanny is a prime example of a lovely and virtuous woman who doesn’t understand her self-worth because the people around her have raised her to believe that she isn’t as good as those around her and have done so in order to oppress her.

Just for a little background for those who have not yet read this novel: Fanny Price is the daughter of a woman who has two sisters. Fanny’s mother did not marry as well as her two sisters and lots of kids later, ends up sending one of her children (Fanny) to live with her sister who married a Baronet. Needless to say, they live much better than what Fanny was used to (she was ten when she left home) and had 4 cousins to get used to (though she was being raised WITH them, they felt it was important to make sure that she knew she was not at their level). The third aunt lives nearby and played a key role in bringing Fanny to live at Mansfield Park, though wants credit for the idea of doing a good deed rather than actually DOING a good deed. Anyway, being that Fanny was not born the daughter of a Baronet, she is treated in a way that she won't confuse her “station” or whatever.

Fanny has a natural strong sense of propriety and goodness - which is a great quality to possess. Though, like I said, she lacks confidence and it is leaving a less than good taste in my mouth. For those who have read it, I am just finishing the part where the young people of the house were working on getting this scandalous play together. A play which Fanny would have no part, even at their begging. She keeps lucking out, though, every time she starts to reluctantly give in to do something she'd rather not do, situations tend to happen to get her out of it. She can only handle so much pressure, I guess. Though, she seriously just keeps lucking out. Don’t get me wrong, I can completely relate to so many of Fanny’s passive aggressive ways, but I guess I’m just realizing that she’s more of an unlikely heroine - at least at this point of the story. Perhaps I will change my mind again once I get to the end. I don’t recall the details of my previous reading of the novel. Those of my [like 4] readers who are familiar with the story – what do you think of Fanny? Pray, tell!

This is my random rambling from today. As I am reading, I’m underlining passages for future blog entries. So hopefully I can continue to maintain some sort of regularity with my blogging!

Looking for the green on my thumb...

2009-05-02T20:50:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm trying to grow vegetation. That's, right. Target had these cute little pots of plants in their dollar bin area. F-U-N, right? YEAH! So we'll see how they turn out! I got some tomatoes, strawberries, oregano, basil, chives and some kind of flower. I got them all planted today. They came with these little soil pellets and some seeds. I also attempted some wildflowers. I'll have to keep you updated on their progress!!

Rhoda's wisdom

2009-04-22T21:54:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I love old TV shows. I love some newer ones, too, so don't freak out. Growing up, maybe jr high-ish, when there was a snow day or the rare sick day, I would be able to watch reruns of Rhoda on Comedy Central. I LOVE Rhoda. Just sayin. However, it was a spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, which I ALSO love. I've been recently watching episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore show. I have Blockbuster Online, and so I got the first two dvds of season one recently and have been watching them. It is a TOTALLY different story now that I'm actually in Mary's situation - being single and in my 30's. I guess you can say I appreciate it that much more!

At any rate... There was an episode I was watching the other day and Rhoda had the best line EVER. She says to Mary, "When you're single and 30, there's no such thing as male friends - there's fiances and rejects." Oh my LOL, right? And it is seriously, so true, isn't it?

It would seem that this is a lesson that we humans choose NOT to learn. When Harry Met Sally spells it out simply, "men and women can never really BE just friends." Now, in the movie they say that the sex gets in the way. Well, that's not really completely true. It's more about the emotions getting in the way. I know that I've hung on to guy friends for ages with the hope that something more would come. They had no intention of ever taking the friendship to the next level. But ultimately, the friendship has to end. Maybe not completely end, but it changes into something different and can never ever be the same again.

When you're at a stage of life that you want to seal the deal with someone, you just can't wait around for years like you may have done in your 20's. On the flipside, you also shouldn't be the one leading the other person on either.

Don't get me wrong, I DO have guy friends that are really just friends. To my knowledge, we feel the same way about each other - just friends. However, none of these are friends that I ever was emotionally intimate with. Do you know what I mean? The guy friend that is your best friend - you spend all of your time with him, know everything about each other (and still like each other), finish each others' sentences, etc. How can you NOT fall in love with someone with whom you share all of that? There's a fine line. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. If you truly care about that person, you realize that you're enabling them. They've got a torch that is nearly burned out, but every text, email, phone call, inside joke, etc. keeps the flame alive. If you just aren't into the person that way, and you know THEY are, it's time to start the process. Start dialing it down a knotch and devolving, if you will, that intimate friendship.

This is especially true for people that are already in relationships with someone else. You can NOT expect to have a best friend of the opposite sex in addition to your partner. As cheesey as it sounds, your partner should be that best friend. If your partner isn't, well, then. You have a problem.

So, we see the wisdom in Rhoda's well-timed snarky comment. Essentially, it's just a waste of time for a single woman in her 30's to have [close] guy friends. Because yes, they're either rejects or a fiance! And who wants to be surrounded by rejects? hahaha. But seriously, someone ends up with a broken heart, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I am SO done being the brokenhearted. My heart is mended and ready to realize its destiny! No more dawdling or grazing at the watering hole with the other rejects (that's right, apparently I'm a reject, too)! I've got my amazing girl friends all over the world that help me daily, I don't need another opportunity to fall in love with the wrong one. I'm on deck for Mr. RIght.

Emma

2009-04-21T21:00:00.002-04:00

One of the first quotes in Jane's little book of instruction is from the novel, Emma. Emma Woodhouse, the heroine, says, "If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to say "Yes," she ought to say "No," directly."

Can I just say, I can NOT agree MORE. Oh my land. We live in a world that people can seem so desperate to not be alone, that they settle for less than they want and/or deserve, people begin relationships with the hope that the other will change, they feel lukewarm about the person they're with, or they aren't as compatible as they'd have hoped, etc. I think that part of the problem is that we have stopped being honest with ourselves. We lie to ourselves in the attempt to feel better. Society fuels our insecurities and ill decisions by convincing us that we are worthless simply because we're "alone."

Now, I know I'm technically getting into spinstiness. That's right, I'm 32 and unmarried, so I'm a spinster, right? But I am SO grateful that I've been able to have the opportunity thus far to not be with the WRONG person. It has afforded me the opportunity to really come to know what I want in a potential mate and how I want to be in my future marital bliss (I know marriage is hard work, I'm saying it like that for effect).

I guess I ask you this: How much stronger is a woman who knows her worth and stands by her principles? A woman that listens to her gut feeling (dare I say the Spirit)? A woman who is strong enough to stand on her own, but sensitive enough to want to be a wife and mother someday?

We should all strive to be honest with ourselves and the people we relationship (yes, I am using that as a verb). Our culture seems to tell people to continue holding on trying to force things to work out even when deep down we know we aren't happy. Idealy, we discover this BEFORE exchanging marital vows. Instead of dating someone you know you "just aren't that into" for 6 months, be strong enough to cut it off after a fair trial of say two months. If you aren't in it to win it after 2 months, not much is gonna change in another 4 months... or 4 years... etc. Granted, I'm not intending to assign a specific time frame, and each person's situation will be unique to them. All I'm saying is, be honest with yourself. How can one expect to be led to the "right one" when they're too busy wasting time with the "wrong one?"

Instruction from Jane

2009-04-21T20:45:00.004-04:00

Tonight after work I went in search of some gridded matting for the Young Women at church to make bath mats from old bath towels tomorrow night. I'd looked at Jo-Ann Fabric in Ashtbaula last night to no avail and they pointed me to Mentor. I walked around and around the store and nothing. I went to Michael's and nothing. I of course even asked and was left with nothing. The closest thing they could come up with was latch hook rug canvas, and from what I have seen, I don't think that that is actually what we need. So we're gonna need to do something else tomorrow night.

The point of explaining THAT story is to then explain that after the frustration/annoyance of not being able to find what I needed (even when the instructions indicated that most fabric stores should carry this product), I decided to drown my sorrows down the drain of Barnes & Noble. That's right, I headed to B&N, and lo and behold, I discovered an entire table dedicated to Jane Austen! Anyone that knows me knows that I am Jane obsessed. So much so, in fact, I am planning a trip to England for September to coincide with the Jane Austen Festival in Bath. SO EXCITED!! Anyway, upon this table, I found a new little treasure:

Essentially, what it is, is a compilation of quotes from Jane's novels that provide some of life's important lessons. So, what I was thinking is that I would blog and comment on some of the quotes as I feel inspired to do so. So, get your mittens on your kittens, cause we're on our way!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-04-19T20:41:00.002-04:00

I had the most hysterical encounter with a girl at church today. Adriana is a little spitfire. Redheaded, quick witted and 9. She was sitting in front of me at church today and randomly asks me, "are you ever going to get married?" I was not expecting the question and just kinda paused a moment and somewhat giggled to myself while I said, "sure... someday." And she looks at me and in her spitfire way says, "you're going to grow old and die alone." I seriously just started laughing.
While some may feel this would be a depressing experience I honestly think it's just hysterical. As of lately, I have been feeling that I'm in a good place with my single status. My feelings haven't been complicated by an unrequited crush for some time now (as there are no options in my area). I don't know if that's why it has helped me feel in a good place or not. I haven't tortured myself over anyone for quite some time now. hahha. That's what we women do, isn't it? Until we find "the one?" We torture ourselves over man after man? I for one have felt plenty of torture and am [hopefully] done.
I also have come to the conclusion that I must believe and trust in God's timetable for me. Right? I mean, He does know what's best. And as long as I remain steadfast and true to Him, He is bound to the promises which have been made me. And I figure, just like Sarah, the mother of Isaac, she almost laughed at the prophecy that she'd bear a child when she was past the age of child bearing. God was able to allow her to bear a child when it seemed impossible. I figure He can lead a worthy priesthood holding man to northeast Ohio for me. :) As impossible as it may seem - it can be done. So, that's what I'm holding out for. A miracle of my very own.

Bathroom Booster?

2009-04-13T22:55:00.002-04:00

OK, I work in an office like a lot of people do. I work in an office that has a communal bathroom, that is, 4 stalls in one bathroom, right? Now, it's not always pleasant to have to use a bathroom with the rest of the people you work with and others of those that are on the same floor. I have seen and heard a LOT of different things in my day. There is one lady that I can recognize by the way it sounds when she pees. Not even kidding. I've endured people singing their way through their potty experience, grunting their way through it and today I heard someone giving themselves a pep talk. Now, in all fairness, she was done in the stall, and was getting her coat and getting ready to move along back to work. However. You KNOW when someone else is in the bathroom. And if you have to talk to yourself out LOUD to encourage yourself to focus and get your work done, then... there MIGHT be a problem.
I mean, I thought that it was the female Stuart Smalley in there with me. It was so awkward, I sat on my personal throne in shock. I literally heard her having a conversation with herself, "you need to just focus. you don't want to start the week off out of focus. last week was a bad week, you weren't focused. i'm gonna go back in there and be completely focused." I'm not gonna lie. I thought it was by far one of the weirdest bathroom adventures I've had yet... Just had to share!

FGWP pt 2

2009-04-12T20:00:00.004-04:00

Home of the brave, land of the free gift with purchase!

2009-04-11T17:46:00.011-04:00

OK, it took several hours... going through all my makeup and beauty products and makeup bags that were a result of a FGWP experience. My friend Melissa commented that a crack addict could line up their pipes and they might look pretty, but it's still an addiction. LOL. So without further ado... Here's a taste of my addiction...

For some reason it isn't letting me add any more pics at the moment. Hmmm... These aren't even the cutest ones! Apparently there's a limit to the pics that can be posted on a post. I guess I'll have to make a few entries for this FGWP.... Apparently this will take some time.

So it took me several hours to clean up and out and around the vanity. I see now why this piece of furniture is named after that trait. Ha. Anyway... I threw some things away, I organized other things... And now I can't even post a picture of the result. Dag nab it. And I haven't figured out how to delete a pic in editing once it's been placed in the blog. But anyway. I digress. In counting all the free bags I went through today, and including the one that I use as a scripture case and a case for my GPS (and the 2 that I gave to my mom recently), I've got almost 30 makeup bags that have come with FGWP. The first one on the pics, the big purple one is actually Elizabeth Arden. It's ginorm. An overnight bag for sure. The majority of course are clinique bags. My friend Carolyn recently contributed to the addiction with an Estee Lauder bag filled with amazing goodies. I filled my 5 drawer little organizer without a problem. Two drawers for eye makeup and related products, a drawer for facial products (such as my bare escentuals foundation powder I use and blushes and bronzers), one drawer for frangrance related products (lots of samples of parfums), and then one where I have my travel sized things I take for, well, ya know, travelling.

I overhauled the larger drawers. There are the eternal lipsticks (i will have to post the pic later, of course).

A free lipstick always comes with Clinique GWP, and I don't use lipstick, really. I'm more of a gloss girl, cause my lip gloss be poppin'. Just sayin'. OK, hear this to the tune of part of that world from the little mermaid:

I've got lipsticks and lotions aplenty... I've got shadows and perfumes galore.... hahha. but seriously! man alive! It was nice to get through things and try to organize them a bit. And decide to start using some of the stuff more. If you live nearby and you have a beauty product need, by all means, ask me first! I might have something you could use and my bonus will become YOUR bonus. :) Alright. I'm really upset that I couldn't post more pictures of this day's event. And so for now, I will bid you adieu so that I might finish some other things that I need to do today!

G. Love and Special Sauce

2009-04-11T00:32:00.004-04:00

Well... I must say. Last night was yet another G. Love and Special Sauce concert for me. LOVE him. And when I say "yet another" I mean, it was my SEVENTH time seeing him. That's right. SEVEN! I've seen him in Utah 4 times (twice at Suede in Park City, once with Jack Johnson and Donovan Frankenreiter and once at an ampitheatre set up downtown Salt Lake at the city library park/square area), once in Cali (Orange County Fair), and now twice in Cleveland at the House of Blues. I mean, what's not to like? His genre is his own - Hip Hop Blues. He's philly born and bred, and baby, he's just got a swagger about him. *rar*

So I've got to say, I've learned my way about the concerts. The first concert, at Club Suede in Park City, I wasn't really prepared for. Just the whole bar scene, close proximity and herbality floating through the air isn't my normal environment that I prefer to be in. But he just puts on such a GREAT show. So anyway... I've become accustomed to the obstinate people, the crowded nature of the standing room only club concert venue. There's just nothing like it, really. You're able to get SO CLOSE.

So this time, similar to last time... I was able to get there early enough to be all up in the front. I tend to choose the right center (if you're looking at the stage). And it just does NOT disappoint. So last night during the encore... Well, OK. Let me first explain. It's a club. There's a standing room only floor. There's a fence type barrier that has some benches on the stage side of it. That creates the walkway where the publicity peeps get their pics and the bouncers keep an eye on things. Right? But knowing G. like I know G. During the encore, he SO came down from the stage and was standing literally like an inch from my face! BAA!!!! Right? I mean, he's standing on the bench on the other side of the barrier right smack in FRONT of ME! BAA!!!! So of course I got to touch him! I mean, HI. That's WHY he was THERE! And as the crowd surged behind me to get closer to him, I was pushed closer to him. I mean, it was way existential. It was almost as though a G. Love and Gigi samich was about to be. It was awesome.

Though, I must admit. It doesn't compare to the LAST time I saw him. I was in about the same place, and he came down right in front of me then as well. And THIS time I'd had my phone, and so i was holding it up to take his picture, but he TOOK my PHONE! *die* And he pretended he was all talkin on it, and then he was PLAYING his GUITAR with my PHONE. It was even more way existential than last night. Just sayin'! And he all touched my arm and stuff, too. AWESOME. All in all, it really was good times. *sigh*

Beauty Secret?

2009-04-10T23:44:00.005-04:00

OK, so here's the thing. The last several years, even though I've been told horrible things about it, I've been using hydrocortizone cream as my daily moisturizer. It's cheap, effective and dr approved, right? Well, in my case it was dr recommended. I had some dry patches that no amount of commercial makeup moisturizer would cure. The dr told me to use the hydro cream. So, i went to walmart, but the generic with aloe and whatever else in it. And have been using it almost every day since then.

So... here's the other thing. I'm ADDICTED to the free gift with purchase. Specifically Clinique, but I'm no respecter of FGWP. Just sayin'. So this past weekend, I was at Macy's and bought some Clinique and inside of it, there was a ginorm sample jar of this new patent pending age reversing moisturizer. What's not to like, right?! So I've been using it the past few days. However (comma, pause, break), now I've begun breaking out and the skin irritation has set in. Look here at exhibit A.

Ugh! I can't stand it! And with my recent Sephora purchase (done online so that I could get 3 samples with my order), I got a sample of Rare Minerals moisturizer. I was all excited about it, because as i was opening the little packet, it had little messages on it saying things like, "Your skin is going to thank you for this" or "Your skin's new BFF." I mean, what wasn't to like?! Well, it did the SAME thing. So am I just not programmed for "normal" moisturizers anymore? Or is it a transitional period for a new product? I mean, what the deal is, folks?!

So that's the drama. Needless to say, I didn't use it today. Sad, isn't it?! Tomorrow I'm planning to organize my vanity that is currently out of control, see exhibit B. Sad isn't it? I bought a little drawer to organize daily makeup routine things so i can declutter a bit. Drivin' me insane!

Maybe while i'm organizing, I'll take pics of some of my makeup bags that have been FGWP. I have quite an extensive collection - just like Wayne has an extensive collection of hair nets and name tags.

Not realistic? Really!?

2009-03-19T21:14:00.007-04:00

This is a little late in coming, but this is one of the topics I wanted to write about - though I never got around to it! Being that the title of my blog is Abstinence and the City, this little story struck home... er... blog.

Not too long ago, the now household name of Bristol Palin made headlines yet again. Firstly, the background... During the presidential election, Governor Palin's teenaged, unwed and pregnant daughter Bristol was the source of horrible scrutiny, judgement and hideous speculation. Being that Governor Palin is a full fledged conservative Pro-Lifer, the liberal loving, Palin-hating media reported blatant untruths. I fully believe that it is ridiculous to condemn Governor Palin for her daughter's actions and decisions. To me, it looks like a mother who had taught her daughter certain principles and loved her through a difficult time even though she had chosen a different path, which is fine - that's her choice. However...

I bring this up because as I mentioned, there've been more recent headlines. In an interview given with FoxNews, Bristol was quoted as saying that teenagers should avoid having sex, but in the very next sentence it is reported that she acknowledged that "abstinence is not realistic at all." When I read that I was simply blown away. I was immediately disenchanted.

It would seem that we live in a society that makes abstinent living unpopular and even difficult, yes. But the truth of the matter is that parents need to teach their children to make the decision BEFOREhand. Before they are faced with the decision of, should I? Shouldn't I? We should already know where we stand on the matter and do our best to avoid potentially tempting situations. We live in a time that not only accepts pre-marital (and heck, extra-marital) "relations," but the world also seems to expect it. So much so that this young, single mother believes that it's not realistic to live a morally clean lifestyle. I also find it interesting to know that not too long after this story published, it was announced that the engagement between her and her baby daddy had been called off. Clearly exhibiting that giving in to physical passion will more than likely not lead to long-term happiness. I of course wish them both the best in their struggle to raise their child - raising a child with a partner to whom you're married is hard enough, let alone doing so separately and/or singly.

While being abstinent may not be realistic for Bristol Palin, she is now facing the reality of being a single mother at a young age (and all the sacrifices and hardships that will accompany it). There are no guarantees when the choice is made to be unchaste. There are more risks in our promiscuous world than ever before. The world would have us believe that we have no control over our "natural desires." Though, there is a Higher Power that has commanded that we learn self-mastery and bridle our passions. I would also like to point out that many of those who have chosen to live a life of giving in to their carnal passions don't seem any happier or better off than those of us who abstain. Just sayin'!

There are too many girls and women out there who have fooled themselves into believing that giving in to "what men want" will lead them to the love that they are seeking. No man that truly respects or loves a woman would require physical intimacy in order to give emotional intimacy. Our society has become desensitized to that which is immoral, and in fact celebrates it.

I think it's high time that the world realizes and celebrates the priceless value of virture. There is power, beauty and strength in a virtuous woman. Ezra Taft Benson, a prophet of God, once said, "Give me a young woman who is virtuous and has maintained her personal purity... and I will give you a young woman who will perform miracles for the Lord now and throughout eternity." Who wouldn't want that kind of power? When a woman loves and respects herself, she can and will rise above all that may stand in the way of her eternal happiness and progression. It might not be an easy task to be abstinent in a world that urges and expects you to define love and lust in the same way, but it can be realistic, and I am living proof that it is surely NOT impossible.

Always and Forever... since I posted a BLOG!

2009-03-18T22:44:00.004-04:00

BAA! You guys! I haven't written in forrreeever! Terribly sorry! I've thought about it... but haven't quite gotten to it. So here I am trying to make amends to the blogosphere. Crisis endured, yeah?

So I've been wanting to start posting a little bit about my new health regime. Even though I'm far from perfect and continue to struggle. So, in January - man alive that was two months ago - my brother finally laid down the law with me. And gave me the encouragement (and fear lol) to get whipped into shape. I've had a gym membership at Snap Fitness (one finally opened closer by my house in November) since last July and like many gym membership holders, I was NOT getting my money's worth. So, my brother (who's also a member at this gym) text me and had me meet him at the gym on the evening of January 9. I was surprised that he had in hand a new diet (our society has screwed that word over, because really it's a matter of making more permanent healthy choices on a regular basis), and he guided me in my workout, too. That first week I lost 7 lbs! I've sucked lately at staying as strict to the eating plan as I was that first month, but I've continued to progress! I'm down about 23 lbs or so now. So that's exciting! Although, I did lose some weight in the year preceding, too. So, from the most I weighed til now, I've lost along the lines of 45 lbs.

Essentially, what I'm doing is trying to stay around 1300 calories a day - no sugar (harder than it sounds, right). I'm keeping healthier snacks on hand to try to avert the office cravings (some days are harder than others to abstain from the donuts or other treats strewn about the place!) and of course to stay my hunger. Also gotta make sure to get ample protein (I usually have 4 ounces of chicken in a salad for lunch as well as 2 eggs for breakfast). I'm also trying to get more fiber for heart health - fiber one and fiber plus bars are delish, though the fiber plus bars are more calorie friendly. And for dinners I usually have Lean Cuisines or Smart Ones, dinners around those lines.

So I'm also supposed to go to the gym 6 days a week. I don't always make it 6 days but usually at least 4 or 5. When I first started, I was doing like 21 minutes on the treadmill, then 21 on the bike and then 8 min on the elliptical. On the treadmill, I would vary the incline in intervals of 3 minutes. When I do it now, I'm up to varying between 4.5 incline to 7 or so. Which, for a girl who's always been so anti-incline on the treadmill, it's amazing! I also sometimes try to do intervals of walking and jogging (using a running program called Couch to 5K as a model). I won't lie, though, I've recently become a major convert to the elliptical. It's just such a better and seemingly more effective workout than the boring old treadmill and bike! Sometimes I simply skip the treadmill and bike and just do the elliptical for 30 min (+2 min cool down) straight. The gym has a set that has varying degrees of resistance and elevation, which seems to give a better workout than just the ones with resistance only. Tonight, for example I had it set on a level of 20 for the first 10 min and then put it up to 22 and then the last 10 minutes at 25, which is the max level. I had the elevation on 40. My quads feel it like crazy and sometimes I don't think I'm gonna make it, but I persevere and make through the entire time! And the end result of 30 minutes on the elliptical, for me, is burning around 800 calories! So that's why I'm like screw the treadmill and bike, the calories are on FIRE (literally apparently) on the elliptical!

While cardio is mandatory and oh, so important, it's also important to build muscle. So I've also been doing some of the weight machines (chest press, biceps, triceps, abs, etc.). I don't want to get all gross and muscley of course, so I try to keep it real on the weights, i.e. i don't strain myself to soredom everytime, but keep the challenge fresh and the reps aplenty.

So, my dear friends, that's one of the things that I've been doing since I last updated you via my bloggy bloggeroo. I've begun taking some "before" pics and when I've lost a more significant amount, I may consider posting some. But it's exciting for me to see progress and to have come to the conclusion that there is no fad diet out there that will miraculously cure a person. The tried and true way for weight-loss is simply cutting calories and exercising. Interestingly, there was a study done recently about this and it was determined that the type of diet (low carb, low fat, whatever the fad) isn't as important as the portions/decrease in cals and exercise. So, there ya have it. I've also talked about it with the people I am around a lot (at work, church, etc.), and it's so rewarding when people NOTICE the loss and ask about it, and encourage me, too. I've been told that I've inspired others to try to get at it and have had people ask for my advice! It's wild, yet again, rewarding. So, I've just got to keep it up and work harder right now at getting the eating under control again. It really is unbelievably helpful to keep a food diary. I made a spreadsheet to keep track, though since my laptop battery fried I've slacked at it, so that's been a hardship in my personal accountability. ANYWAY. I feel like I'm just blabbing now. So, that's my story for the moment and I'm gonna try as I might to use my blog to check in with my progress to encourage more personal accountability, I guess. Anyway. There ya have it :)

Retirees, Florida and Me

2008-10-30T23:09:00.005-04:00

Hello all! All 4 of you that will probably ever read this ;) I just got back from Florida this week. I spent almost a week there. Good times! I was there for my aunt’s wedding! Weddings galore in my family this year, apparently. Except for mine, of course. And just when I thought maybe good things happen in threes… My brother steals my thunder and announces his recent engagement! Craziness, right?

At any rate. We had a relaxing trip to the Orlando area of Florida. Spent some time at downtown Disney and City Walk at Universal. I was vacationing with retired and almost retired family members, so the pace was nice and slow. Got to see some sights and relax. Wish the weather would’ve been better so I could’ve returned with a tan, but alas, I’m still pale!

So one of the exciting things that happened involves a little lizard. Two to be precise. OK, anyone that knows me knows that I am not a fan of critters. And so when I sat down on my bed at the motel, and looked down to see a LIZARD on my LEG, I kinda freaked out (to say the least). Be rest assured there was screaming, jumping and general freak-out behaviour in abundance. So for some reason my mother refused to believe and kept questioning me if I was “sure” it was a lizard. I’m thinking, I looked that little cold blooded thing practically in it’s little beadie eyes! YES! It was a LIZARD! ACK! Anyway. So the lizard went MIA. And we were on high alert. This terror alert was definitely above orange. So a little while later we noticed aforementioned lizard on my MOM’S BED. He’s blending in with the comforter – can you see him??

Anyway, like the girly girl that I can be, I locked myself in the bathroom hoping my mom could catch and release the thing. She had a Dixie cup. Unfortunately, he wasn’t cooperative. He jumped around. Well, he jumped on the floor, and in order to preserve a good night’s rest for us, my mom threw a paper on him and then… well, she stomped on him. He wasn’t squished, that’s gross. I like to think she scared him to death. So then she wrapped him up and disposed of him. Tragic, I know.

Well that’s not the END of our lizard torment! Oh, no. So a couple of days later, I wake up to my mom in the corner of our room spraying her hairspray. I asked her what in heck she was doing, to which she sheepishly replied, “spraying hairspray on the lizard over here…” I was like WHAT?!?!? Another one? Apparently she’d spotted him the day before on the curtain rod of our sliding glass door. She played it cool, not wanting to freak me out again. However (comma), he’d made his move to the floor. He was entering OUR turf. So apparently my uncle had suggested she spray her hairspray on it. She took it to new levels – also sprayed spray gel and some other hair product on our little intruder. Well, he didn’t even flinch (unlike me – I was constantly flinching all night freaking out feeling like there was a lizard stalking me). He didn’t move one inch all day.. and his color was starting to fade. When we returned that night, he was still in the same exact space. So either he was really good at playing statue, or he was hairsprayed to death. So one of my aunts was apparently the tomboy of the three girls growing up and has no qualms about critters. She came in that night picked him and said he was stiff as a bored. He was confirmed dead. Yep. So she disposed of him for us. CRISES ENDURED!

Other than all that, the wedding was great and the time spent with family was priceless. Now I’m back to Ohio and the delightful chilliness it brings, living lizard free.

Hump Day ramblings

2008-10-15T22:55:00.007-04:00

So today was a relatively busy day. I worked all day, of course, and had to hurry scurry home to get ready to go to a meeting for church in Youngstown (50 mile drive). Oh and my commute today is a 35 mile commute or so. So it was drive drive drive, work work work, drive drive drive, home for like a nanosecond to change and drive drive drive some more. Then I met with some peeps from my Stake to make sure that the Young Single Adult Activities through 2009 were all on the stake calendar. Then I caught the last half of institute (New Testament this semester) and then drive drive drive back to Ashtabula to go to my friends' Ruthie and Paul's house cause we were meeting there with the missionaries to discuss the ward Fall Party (code name for Halloween Party) plans. Well, to come up with the plan. So now, I'm home. Finished my nightly work download/upload and now I can breathe. Now that it's almost 11pm. ha! But busy is good, right?

So while I was on the way to my meeting tonight, I looked down and noticed a mystery stain on my pants. Check it out, here's an extreme closeup of my left leg jean stain. I have NO idea what it is. And thus the mystery remains. Hopefully it'll come out, whatever it is!!!

Anyway... I've gotten rave reviews on my new 'do, thanks to everyone for appreciating it :) I am pleased with it, so good times in Angela Land.

So with all my driving and meeting and planning tonight, I am not catching any of the presidential debate. And I'm OK with that. I will read about it tomorrow when Glenn Beck breaks it down for me like a fraction. All I know is this: I am so not FOR socialism. Period. God Bless America.

At any rate, I am excited for tomorrow because I get to go to dinner (at the Cheesecake Factory no less) with two of my HSBFFs. That is, High School BFFs. They've both had birthdays recently and we're far overdue for a little lovin' amongst us. So I'm pretty excited about that. And HI, Cheesecake Factory. Need I say More? Ooh, I'll have to take pics of my meal and post them on here. Because ha. That's what single people do. We don't have children or significant others to make pictoral exhibitions of, and so we make do with what we can. Ha! Anyway... I best get this bad boy posted. Maybe I am boring. *hmm*

Change!

2008-10-13T20:47:00.007-04:00

So I totally have been craving some change in my stagnated life. I think everyone feels that from time to time. After tossing around the idea for awhile, I finally did it. I got my hair totally chopped. Here are some pics, let me know what you all think!

I think I want to try to make my blog more... "fun" and less "perma-serious." I mean, I'm not always pondering upon the singledom I'm living. I guess I initially started this blog as something that would kind of resemble articles written on the various ideas that I was contemplating. I guess what I'm trying to do is make this blog a little more personal to moi. And in so doing, update it a tad more frequently. You know, include the many (many) random thoughts that go through my head... Here goes one.

So being single and living near your family, one often receives an opportunity to help out. This weekend, I've been house/dog-sitting for my brother. While the dogs are lovable and cute and all, I've decided that dogs are high maintenance. Much more so than the cats my mom and I have. I've just got to say, I think they're totally manipulating me. They KNOW that I am weak and they KNOW they can walk all over me and wake me up twice a night to let them out (just because they're bored). I mean, really. In the last 4 hours, they've had me let them out THREE times. I don't think that that is normal. And I gotta say, Petey, he's the boston terrier, he has a gas problem and is STINKY. Oh my GOSH is he STINKY. Ugh! At least they're cute. And even though it's scary to be out in the country by myself, my brother has a sweet ginormous TV. With that thought, I'm gonna go sit my fanny in front of the tv, tearing it away from the computer. :) So even though Julie freaks me out when she starts growling and barking at nothing (what I hope to be nothing that is), I can just turn on Pride and Prejudice or something else consoling and pretend that the mist falling outside will bring me my own Mr. Darcy in the near future. ;)

That, my friend, is what they call closure!

2008-10-06T21:35:00.004-04:00

I’ve been watching the series Felicity recently. I didn't watch it while it was on tv and have been enjoying the drama of it all on DVD. It’s all about relationships and the twists, turns, and evolution of said relationships. As I was watching an episode of season 2 recently, the character of Felicity reflected that perhaps we never truly get over old loves… but rather, we just learn to live with it [the loss].

I really thought that that was somewhat profound. I’m sure that most of us have loved and lost… and/or loved and not ever obtained… Regardless of the form of said loss, it is loss.

Loss doesn’t equate with the end of loving. It’s a process to heal, sure, but you don’t necessarily stop loving. I guess you just stop nurturing that love. Without the nurturing, it ceases to grow. For awhile, it will remain stagnant or unchanging, but soon, it will lessen. It will start to shrivel up when that relationship enters its winter. There seems to me, though, that there is always a root… That doesn’t mean that nothing else can grow there, of course. It just means that the bloom that was once there has withered away, making room for a new bloom.

I can’t pretend to be knowledgeable of flowering ways, but that was just the flow of my thoughts. I look back on the boys and men I’ve loved. Each time the roots grow stronger. The stronger the roots, the more tender the remembrance seems to be. I have not stopped loving, but simply, I have learned to live without the bloom of that love and the roots become a foundation for the next bloom…

Can Anybody find me Someone to Love?

2008-10-06T20:47:00.002-04:00

I have found myself to be quite lucky in that most of my life I’ve never had to deal much with pressure from people about my single status. I’ve never been one to receive offers for set-ups or blind dates or anything of that nature. I have rather enjoyed this lack of meddling, to be honest.

Recently, however, I met someone that apparently feels the need to set anybody and everybody up. Or at least suggest hook-ups. Now, the thing is, this person lacks the… intuition of a matchmaker. This person seems to think that the only thing people need in common is their single status.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned in previous posts, older guys kinda freak me out. Yes, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m 31 and can even say 31 without starting to heave! But I’m not at a point in my life where a guy in his mid to late 40’s is NOT gonna freak me out (unless of course he’s George Clooney!). I don’t think that it’s really the age… but personality compatibility is absolutely necessary. I have a young, fun heart. A middle-aged man that fits in the middle aged personality category and I are probably not gonna be so compatible.

Does this qualify me as shallow? I don’t think so. There is an element of chemistry that is necessary when choosing an eternal companion, is there not? Like-mindedness is a desirable component in a relationship! In reality, I know that age doesn’t matter… Although, someone that is closer to my mother’s age than mine… Well, can you BLAME me for freaking out?!!? I mean, really.

I’ve been accused of being too picky. But really? Just because I’m not willing to settle for less than happily everafter? Granted, it’s not like I’ve had options, but nevertheless… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having standards and expectations – as long as they are realistic. I’m not so anal about it that I would turn someone away simply because of his age. Though, I will not settle for less than an active, worthy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There are some preferences that are negotiable… but in like manner, there are some that are not. To quote Alanis, “Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer. I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter…”

It’s not easy being ever alone. But I feel that, in a way, God is protecting me. I’m not being tempted by the fruit of one who is unworthy. I’m not falling in love with someone that cannot make me happy. It’s not always so bad. And underneath it all, there is hope. As we were reminded this weekend by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, there is no blessing that will be withheld from us if we are worthy of it. At times it is difficult to consider that it could possibly be in the next life before I am to realize this righteous desire of eternal companionship… But it fosters hope that I am on the right path. And when all is said and done, “I’m in no hurry… I could wait forever, I’m in no rush ‘cause I like being solo there are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…”

Enduring the sometimes mundane in order to prove yourself

2008-08-18T21:19:00.004-04:00

I have mentioned before that as a member of the LDS Church, I am very lucky to have resources to allow me to socialize with other single adults of my faith. Evenso, at times these activities and opportunities become somewhat wearisome... As my previous entry indicates, the ratio of men to women is so not in the favor of women. This is a part of it. I honestly have begun feeling lately that I don't really get much out of the social opportunities that I have. I am grateful for them nonetheless, of course. However, I am currently in a transitional stage.

The way these "programs" are set up is in such a way that the Young Single Adults are 18-30 and are generally college age adults. Well, then everyone else that is single is lumped into the Single Adults. 31-infinity. With the trends of today, that makes it quite a varied group. Not only age but situation (never married, divorced, widowed, etc). I have been poaching in the Young Single Adults group for the last year. I haven't had any obections, of course as I've been one of the main people that has planned and executed many of the activities.

Socially speaking, unfortunately, I don't really feel like I've been getting much from these activities. There are a variety of reasons... I guess for the most part... when I'm driving the hour or so home from the activity... I don't feel fulfilled, uplifted, happy.. or anything along those lines. So as I said, I don't feel like I get all that much from the activities.

Now, there is a potential for a Mid-Single Adult group... It's being looked into to determine whether there's an actual need for it, per se.

I've historically been kinda freaked out about guys older than me... At least in recent years. I believe I've written before that the age of guy that I have tended to be interested in hasn't changed much in the last ten years... They used to be older than me, but now... not so much :) Anyway... So I've been hanging on to the YSA group fearing the unknown.. Fearing being stuck socializing with a bunch of retirees. Not that there isn't a time and place for that... But that's not exactly what I'm looking for socially.

So my friend and I were discussing these ideas earlier today. Firstly, do I really believe that I'm gonna meet someone (aka "the one") at Church? or at a Church activity? Some argue that you're more likely to meet someone through a common acquaintance. These are all possibilities. Let's not kid ourselves.

In pondering this... I came to a conclusion. I have no idea where I'll meet someone. But I surely won't be meeting anyone if I'm sitting at home avoiding life and all it has to offer. Sometimes we have to endure the mundane things in order to prove ourselves. I compared it to an aspect of missionary life. As a full-time LDS missionary, there are a variety of ways to find people to teach the gospel to. We all know that tracting is one of the least effective ways. Knocking door to door and finding someone that is interested is a rarity. It's not impossible, of course. Just rare. But as missionaries, we did it. We would knock doors when we had no other teaching appointments or member families to ask for referrals. Even though we KNEW that it was less effective, we were still putting forth the effort because it was the Lord's time and His work. And when we were obedient and doing everything we knew how to do... We would inevitably be blessed. We might not find someone at the home of a door we knocked... But maybe a member family had a friend that was now ready to be taught. We used the Lord's time wisely and He blessed us for it.

I determined that our life as single adults is much like that. Though instead of finding someone to share the gospel with, we're wanting to find someone to share our eternity with. Instead of knocking on doors, we attend single adult activities that might not be the most exciting or fulfilling of activities for us... But we do these things with the hope that we are proving to the Lord that we are willing to do what it takes to be led to a person that has been prepared for us. It's not easy... It won't always be bunnies and flowers happy... But in the end it will be worth it. The Lord really does have a timeline for each of us. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. It's just difficult for us to appreciate because we don't have the perfect eternal perspective that God has. He knows so much better than we do what's best for us. We have to choose to believe that. And as we strive to make choices that align with Heavenly Father's will, well then... That is when we find our peace.

Gray Hairs, Odds and me

2008-08-16T22:58:00.012-04:00

Well, it's been awhile. Shocking, I know. But really, it's all for you, the reader of this blog. Because I don't want to post something that sucks. Hopefully this doesn't suck. :)

So my title for this entry is not just a clever name... Let's start with gray hairs. What's up with that? I've long enjoyed my days of pigmented hairs on my head. It was around my 29th birthday when I first noticed a gray hair. I was having a hard enough time dealing with approaching the dead end I envisioned 30 would be, so I promptly yanked it out without looking back. It's been a couple of years since then... And I prided my fully pigmented locks. Several weeks ago (with a youthful 'do of pig-tailed french braids no less), a friend of mine spotted a strand of hair that was white like the surf on the sea... Glaring out at the world from amidst my dark locks. In a moment of panic, I requested the necessary assistance to remove it. Again, it was yanked out. But wait. This is NOT the end. Just this last week... I was on my way to work and as I glanced in the rearview mirror... I noticed a kind of light colored hair staring at me. Sticking staright up from the crown of my head. It was shorter than the rest. And it was making itself known to me. Maybe marking its territory, I don't know. But it did a killer impersonation of Alfalfa. Seriously. Though, of course being one strand, it was more like Alfalfa Light. So... As ornery as it was... I stared it in the face (er... follicle?), and have accepted it into my life. I can't always see it, but I know it's there. Ready and willing to add character to the hairs on my head. I've since discovered another one hiding in among the hairs along my one temple. It's more subtle. But it, too has been allowed to stay. At present, they're not wreaking havoc. So they've been allowed to remain as they are.

Nextly we have the odds. Now most of you should know that I am Mormon aka LDS aka member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is a very family oriented religion. And as most people and especially as most Mormons, I would someday love to have a family of my own. Now, in recent years the numbers of single adult Mormons has continued to grow. So I was quite shocked to read my odds as calculated circa 1981.

I found myself reading about Single Adults in the Encyclopedia of Mormonism. Apparently there was a study done in 1981 (by I think Goodman and Heaton) on LDS single adults. A few of the facts that they determined were somewhat disturbing, yet quite explanatory as to my current situation [lack of love life]. Now, apparently, this study has determined that the odds for an active LDS woman over age 30 to marry an active LDS man over age 30 is quite an impossibility. Why? Well, for every 100 active LDS women (attends church regularly) over the age of 30, there are only 19 active LDS men. That's right. Pathetic. And this study was done in 1981! What of it NOW??? It would seem to me that the number of amazing, accomplished, active LDS women as multiplied exceedingly! I personally know at least a dozen! Not all are necessarily over 30, of course but many are nigh unto the taboo age of which I speak.

Surprisingly, I have not allowed myself to freak out about this information, as alarming as it sounds, I'm OK. :) I knew you were worried, see. As I've mentioned previously in blogs past, deep down there is still an undying hope for things to come. Hope that the righteous desires of my heart will at last be fulfilled. To quote an old favorite jazz standard, "someday he'll come along... the man I love..."

Tagged

2008-06-23T20:08:00.003-04:00

Ok, I too have been tagged. So here are the rules...How to play the game of Tag: Post these rules on your blog. Answer these 15 questions about yourself on your blog. List 3 Joys, 3 Fears, 3 Goals, 3 Current Obsessions/Collections and 3 Random/Surprising facts. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
OK, I'll bite... though mine won't be as entertaining as Mary's ;)
3 Joys
-Friends
-new Alanis Album
-Working in the temple (these are in no particular order, by the way!)
3 Fears
-As Alanis once sang, "I'm consumed by the chill of solitary." So yes, that means exactly what it sounds like. One of my biggest fears is that I will spend all of mortality alone. Not that I'm ALONE alone. I have amazing friends and family members and what not. But it's different. You can't tell me otherwise, because I feel the incompleteness of my existence.
- I fear the potential issues I may have in bearing children.
- I fear the unknown at times
3 Goals
- I want to be more organized. Things are relatively organized in my life, but I've got some fine tuning to do. I want to plan ahead enough to make sure that I go to the gym three times a week instead of sporadically. I want to be more organized so that I read my scriptures everyday, etc.
- I want to go back to school at some point and get my bachelor's degree - to become a middle school language arts teacher.
- I think it would be rad to write a book. Though, I've never really attempted it to be honest.
3 Current Obsessions/Collections
- Alanis - I've always hearted Alanis. And with her new album recently being released, I've been listening to it pretty much all day everyday at work. and usually it's on my Zune while i'm driving and stuff, too. That may be considered an obsession :)
- Glenn Beck is a new obsession. I think he's brilliant and informed and freaking hilarious and I love reading his email newsletters and loved seeing his show in Akron and love discussing him and his ideas with my friend Heather.
- I apparently have an obsession with taking self-portraits. you can check most of them out on my facebook or myspace pages. i think it's hilarious :)
3 Random/Surprising Facts
Hmm.. i have no idea. um... how about whomever is reading this blog puts a random thing about me. I'm sure to be surprised :) Sorry I'm lame and can't think of anything entertaining enough...

Ok, I'm gonna tag... Timi, Amy, Katie, Amanda and Elizabeth!

Torch

2008-06-07T11:36:00.002-04:00

So, the new Alanis album, Flavors of Entanglement, comes out this Tuesday (June 10). Fortunately, I've been able to preview it on VH1.com, bless their cyber soul. I've listened to it no less than 50 times already, I'm sure. My copy is en route via the pony express as I type. There are a few songs that would seemingly be about her relationship with Ryan Reynolds. There is one song, Torch, that I'm kind of thinking about.

I've had my share of "non-relationships." I've referred to this term and vague situations in previous posts. And at times, the emotional bonds in these non-relationships can be seemingly almost as strong as those in "normal" relationships. So as I've been listening to Torch, I've been pondering upon my own experiences. We can't always explain why relationships change and even end at times.

I have loved. And in the midst of that love, I was unable to imagine not loving that person. As Alanis sings, "I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Alanis also says in this song, "These are not times for the weak in heart." We don't just stop loving the one that we once loved. Our love changes... and I know that for me, I reflect upon the days and subjects of that love with a tender heart. It no longer seems to matter that it didn't work out, the pain isn't as strong as it once was and the happiness of the memories of the bond are able to overpower it. And at some point the pain is overpowered into oblivion. And life goes on. And the heart begins to yearn again for love.

I feel like I am trying to be more careful, though. I seem to have gotten myself into a pattern of the unrequited love. My story is that of Iris in the hit film, "The Holiday." In the opening she says, "And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual." I've found that the more effort I put into the hope of a relationship, the harder I fall... Though it's always one-sided. Is it wrong to want to protect myself? Is it not prudent? Is it wrong to want to be pursued? But how does one actually get to that point? How do the reserved communicate their desire to BE pursued? These are the things that go through my head these days. I guess that (again, as Alanis sings in her new song, Incomplete), "One day I'll be at peace, I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt..."

My passive aggressiveness can be devestating...

2008-05-27T22:16:00.002-04:00

So I’ve been thinking lately about myself and the way I am with regard to members of the opposite sex. For some reason, I can be all Flirty McFlirtFlirt with guys I’m NOT all that into - probably because it’s safe. However, with guys that I am potentially interested in getting to know, I tend to shy up a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got biting wit and good humour 24/7 no matter what. But I guess I’m not overly… expressive in my potential interest. I’ve never been the aggressive type to throw myself at a guy. At least I don’t think so… Correct me if I’m wrong.

I’ve also learned that my passive aggressive ways have been successful in the past in communicating my feelings… And when the guy doesn’t seem to be getting the clue, it’s because he’s just not that into me, but enjoys or appreciates my friendship. That’s never an enjoyable realization to come to. I’ve tried over the years to have a more expanded outlook on these scenarios. Clearly these relationships were not meant to be, I wouldn’t want to have to “force” or convince someone to love me anyway.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like the idea of the guy pursuing the girl! In a ward that I was in in Utah, the girls were counseled to make it known that they were available to the guy and then drop the ball. It’s in a man’s nature to want to hunt his prey, right? So they say. I guess I just figure that in the cases of successful relationships, even when a guy is shy, if he really wants to, he will make the move on the girl. I’ve seen it happen and that’s what I’m banking on…

It's Good to Be in Love

2008-05-21T08:03:00.003-04:00

Don't you worry... I'm not in love. Don't let the title deceive you. The title is in fact a song. Shocking for me, I know. But I heart music and sometimes I can really just relate to it. I was introduced to Frou Frou a couple of years ago, but I just barely obtained the full album, Details. I must say the song, It's Good to Be in Love, really kinda related to some of my past experience(s). So for your entertainment, take a look at these lyrics and if you're lucky, maybe you can find the song somewhere to listen to it. If you're see me, it's on my Zune and I can hook you up :) I don't know... it just reminds me of all the one-sided love affairs I've had in my life and though I'm not currently "black and blue all over," it just really kinda spoke to me. Also, I'm trying to be better about getting blogs posted, so.. Grab it and growl, kids :)

"It's Good To Be In Love"
I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that i smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what I'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on what can i do?
Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everythingI'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

Our Name Is Our Virtue

2008-05-07T22:08:00.002-04:00

To quote the new hit Jason Mraz song, “I’m Yours,” ‘I guess what I be sayin is that there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue.’ I think that we often pretend to be something that we’re not when we begin a relationship - or attempt to begin a new relationship. We just need to be ourselves. Be natural.

I think most of us, for unknown reasons, have forgotten that perhaps we should approach relationships with honesty - not only with the other person, but honesty with ourselves. We try to convince ourselves that things are gonna get better, when the bottom line is that we don't really WANT them to. I know a girl that started dating a guy about a month ago. Even though after the first date (he brought his parents) she wasn’t really interested in pursuing things with him. She has since decided to continue to date him. Their relationship seems to have progressed quickly in the physical sense (though apparently it’s average in worldly relationships). She is just now finding more and more quirks that he has. Granted, everyone has quirks and most shouldn’t be “deal breakers.” Though from what she’s been telling me, he’s got some major OCD tendencies. And he’s trying to impose his OCD tendencies on her. Of course she’s not willing to adopt these crazy, inconvenient tendencies. Countless times she’s said “I dunno… I don’t think I can deal with this long-term,” or something like unto it. In her case, she's got kids to think about, too. How will keeping this guy around affect not only her, but her children? All these complaints and yet not willing to stop the insanity!

So what is it about people that get into relationships and they KNOW they absolutely know in their gut that this person isn’t the one that they will want to spend the rest of their life/existence with… and yet they keep hanging on hoping that something will change. It’s like they’re more in love with the idea of a relationship than the actual person with whom they’re relationshipping. Again, I must quote Alanis, “why why do I try to change you try to change you when you really don’t want me to?” It just never works when we try to change someone. If someone chooses to change on their own, for their own purposes that’s one thing… But it pretty much never really works when we try to mold someone into something they’re not - simply to appease our ideas of what we want. It’s selfish and less effective.

Yet again, we’re not being honest with ourselves and certainly not with the other person. How ‘bout we stop wasting time with the wrong person and focus on finding the right one? We wonder why so many of us can’t find happiness, can’t find a successful relationship, etc. It’s simply because… well, to quote Anne Shirley in the final scene of Anne of Avonlea, “It’s just I went searching for my ideals outside of myself. I discovered it’s not what the world holds for you… It’s what you bring to it.” It’s time we learn who we are and what we can bring to the relationship table. Once we do, we will be prepared for our own perfect relationship with all its flaws. :)

Waiting

2008-05-06T21:22:00.005-04:00

I was reminded today about how horrible I am at updating my blog. So to be assuaging, I asked for topical ideas and here I am. Unfortunately, the topics that were suggested haven’t really… inspired me much. So I guess, per usual, I should just start writing and see where I go.

I am still having a lack of love interest these days. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but having reached and passed the age of 30 (officially 31, but I prefer to refer to it as 20-11), I feel the tick tock of the biological clock. I have friends that are on their 4th child or more… I have friends that are almost a decade younger than me not only being married but having their first child, too. It’s taxing sometimes – only because I’m still waiting. I guess my question is, how long should one continue “waiting?”

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means implying (nor should you infer) that I am ready to just shack up with any guy that’ll have me. That’s just not the way I roll, and certainly is not an option. I haven’t waited this long for Mr. Right to throw all my hopes and dreams away on Mr. Wrong, Mr. Not-So-Much, or Mr. No Thank You. I still have my standards, and although I would LOOOVE a Mr. Darcy or John Thornton, I know that those men are fictitious and likely don’t exist. Nevertheless, I do still have high expectations for the man with whom I will share my eternity.

I guess what I am getting at is that I sometimes feel like giving up. I want to believe that there really isn’t someone out there. I get sick of this sitting, wishing and waiting. People often say it happens when you’re not looking [for it]. Well, that sucks to be me because I’ve been looking for it for longer than I can recollect. I have journal entries from when I was in elementary school talking about wanting to get married and have children. However, for some unknown and likely divine reason, I have this undying hope underneath it all. I hope that he really is out there. He really is searching for me as I am for him. He’s the yin to my yang, the micro to my chip. I mean, COME ON! Right?

I suppose the only thing to be done is to continue in patience and long-suffering. I’ve had my share of disappointments, dashed hopes and unrealized dreams. Though in the long run, all of those things will have contributed to the greatness that will be. And so in the meantime, I will have to try to instill what Alanis says in the bridge of 21 Things, “I’m in no hurry… I could wait forever, I’m in no rush cause I like being solo. There are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…”

Lack of blog related to lack of love!

2008-01-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s been eternity since I last posted a blog. I think that part of the reason behind the lack of postage, if you will, is the lack of a love interest. So, I think that it’s time to go with that and see what I can come up with as I write. I mean, this is what a blog is all about, right?

As with most women, I am preoccupied with love in the back of my mind. Regardless of what is in the forefront requiring my attention, in the back of my mind the one thing that I want the most is to find “the one.” Is there really a “one?” I venture to say yes and no. I think that there is a right one at the right time. Plenty of people can be compatible with a variety of people, but it’s ultimately our choice to nurture a relationship – nurtured by both people – and ultimately make the relationship into that of which dreams are made.

As I mentioned earlier, my lack of blog is directly related to lack of love. Sometimes I have to wonder if I’m a hopeless (as opposed to hopeful) romantic. I mean, I know I’m obsessed with love stories – romantic comedies and Jane Austen occupy much of my entertainment world. But is it unhealthy to expect the kind of love, devotion and passion that is found in these works? I have to say NO. We see so many relationships call it quits these days. Divorce is easier and easier and many people go into a marriage anticipating the possibility of divorce. There are a variety of reasons for divorce, but the one I want to address right now is the fact that so many people (especially women) simply settle. Women are so in love with being in love that they’ll often settle for someone that doesn’t treat them as well as they should or doesn’t have enough like-mindedness to work through the obstacles that absolutely will occur in a marriage. Women will settle because the idea of being in a relationship (regardless of whether or not it is a healthy relationship) is more appealing than being alone.

I’ve consistently had the desire to marry someone in my own faith. That requirement is non-negotiable. For me, this would help in finding someone who is like-minded. I have seen too many relationships become painful because there isn’t the common ground of faith and devotion to an eternal perspective. I refuse to compromise that which is precious to me above all else. Whatever one’s beliefs are, I think relationships can be a little bit easier when both individuals have common long-term goals. No man or relationship will ever be worth compromising my faith.

However, I also think that this is the reason that I have lack of love at this point in my life. It has nothing to do with “wookin pa nub in all da wong pwaces!” It’s just… I don’t know what it is, really. But I have to believe that as long as I am trying my best to be my best and looking for ways to love and serve the world around me, I will be led to the one at that place when it’s time. And if I commit myself to not settle for less than I am worth, I can avoid much heartache. There is a popular LDS figure (John Bytheway) that has said several things on this matter, “You can fall in love with someone you should not be with,” and “It’s better to be alone and miserable than miserable with someone else.” I truly do believe those things. So in the meantime, while my Mr. Darcy is en route to me, I’ll do my best to be happy where I am and at the same time keep the hope alive that underneath it all, the kind of love that we all hope for is alive and well for all of us if we’re willing to be patient. After all, the best things in life are worth waiting for, right?

Is it better to date, or not to date? That is the question!

2007-10-14T21:23:00.000-04:00

It would seem that there are some girls in life that “walk in the light.” I am not one of these girls. These are the girls that seem to get dates and/or boyfriends simply because they exist. They are not necessarily girls that are prettier than the pretty girls… more intelligent than the intelligent girls… Simply, they are not more extraordinary than the other amazing women that are their peers. Their peers are just as amazing, attractive and alluring as their well-lit counter-parts. For some strange phenomenon, though, these girls [the ones surrounded by the light] are consistently the ones going through dozens of first dates, countless failed relationships, etc. Their counter-parts, though, no matter what they do (aside from throwing themselves at guys) don’t seem to date more than once a year if they are lucky. I don’t know why this phenomenon exists, but it does.

I mentioned at the beginning that I am not one of these girls that walk in this so-called light. I have been one of many that have been on the sidelines watching a small portion of girls get asked out by all the guys. I don’t really know if these girls really understand what it’s like to be the best friend instead of the leading lady. Though several of my co-best-friends and I have discussed this phenomenon and have wondered amongst ourselves which is better? To date, or not date? I’m sure that the other side has strong opinions about it as well…

Firstly, I must admit that I am very lucky to be a part of a culture that provides a way to meet other singles. Being a member of the LDS church has its advantages in singledom. When I lived in Salt Lake, I was a part of a congregation (ward) that was all young single adults (18-30 years old). Most of these members were students, all were single and shared the same faith. In areas where there is a large population of LDS people, these student/young single adult wards can range anywhere from 100-300+ people. Several wards make up a stake (sometimes there are 8-10 wards). If you do the math, you see that the potential to meet people is much better than the average young single adult without such a “resource.”

I was in the same ward (the ward you usually would attend is based upon your geographical location) for the last 4 years that I lived in SLC. It was seriously the best ward I’ve ever been in. Evenso, there were those certain girls that were the ones that were consistently asked out by every type of guy. It didn’t matter how long the girl had been in the ward… Most of the guys at one point or another would ask out these select few girls. Even the new guys when they moved in (who probably hadn’t received the memo that these girls were the ones that all the boys were dating) seemed to instinctively know that they should ask one (or more) of these girls out. After four years in this ward, hundreds of people came and went throughout that time, including the well-lit girls. I was always on the side-lines (with the majority I might add) not being asked out. I can probably count on one hand how many actual “dates” I went on during that time. I won’t lie - it was (and is) a frustrating matter. In our society the lack of male attention must mean that there is something totally wrong with us, right? No matter how well-adjusted, intelligent, or just plain great I may feel… This doesn’t seem to change my lot in life. I am one of the many that consistently feels passed over and at times just plain not good enough because of this lack of male attention. Most women in this life want to find a husband… Someone with whom they may share their life and build a family. I am one of these women, of course. And yet… I feel like there’s something beyond my control… even beyond my understanding that has prohibited this. I feel as though I am in a constant state of limbo… waiting for the rest of my life to begin. I feel like I am not a grown-up if I’m not a wife and mother… I still feel like I’m 20 years old! And yet, I am an adult. Aging gracefully, of course :) I am an overall happy person, don’t get me wrong. I have a great job and am busy with the various responsibilities of my life. At the same time, though, I know that there’s something more… There’s a way to fufill the measure of my creation. A higher law that has never changed since the beginning of time. It’s difficult to have these desires [to be a wife and mother] and to know that it’s not solely up to me. Just because I want it doesn’t mean that I can easily get it. Somebody else has to CHOOSE to want to be with me. And when you’re not being asked out on ANY dates you begin to wonder how this will ever be remotely possible.

I now live in an area where the young single adults are few and far betweem (as far as LDS YSA go). I can’t even really find an unrequited crush (as I’ve suffered through so many times before), let alone a date. Once again, I don’t know what the answer to this is. And when I think about these girls that walk in the light… I can recognize that their journey is likely just as hard as mine, though completely different. They are the ones that feel like they’re being asked out based on physical attributes alone.. They are the ones that feel as though their greatness within is underestimated even though they’re showered with attention. And yet they’re still in the single boat with those of us that aren’t dating. And honestly… as much as it can really suck sometimes… I’m glad that I am not required to waste time with so many wrong ones while I wait to find the right one.

I guess the only thing we can do… Is to continue on doing the best we can in all aspects of life. Make sure that we are the person that we need to be for the person that we want to be with someday. Essentially we need to develop our best selves, and someday at just the right moment, the spotlight will shine down upon each of us.

I Can Feel So Unsexy for Someone So Beautiful

2007-09-07T20:12:00.000-04:00

The inspiration for this blog comes from my anthem, So Unsexy. Anyone who knows me should know that my ultimate favorite recording artist is Alanis Morissette. She’s a lyrical genius. I’ve watched her evolution these last 12 years through her lyrics. At the same time, I’ve related my own evolution and growth with hers as I enjoy and revel in that which she shares of herself through song.

But back to my anthem: So Unsexy. The chorus begins, “I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine…” I think that women especially have this problem. We live in a world that tells us we are never good enough. We live in a world that tells us our imperfections make us unworthy [of love, of success, of happiness]. We have come to believe that our happiness depends on a man, a possession, and/or a size. This is simply not true. Our happiness and success in this life are based largely on our decision to be happy as well as an understanding of who we are. Granted, there are variables that will inevitably affect our degree of happiness – whether for good or not so good.

Alanis continues, "One small sideways look and I feel so ungood," “One forgotten birthday and I'm all but cooked,” “How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily," “One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated,” “Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated..." It's the little things that really matter - the physical proof (because actions speak louder than words), that that person loves, cares about, whatevers you. I know that I often find myself feeling completely rejected, unloved and overall disgusting when a guy I’m somewhat interested in simply doesn’t talk to, call, text me, etc. The idea that no news is good news is certainly not pertinent in girl world. We have grown too accustomed to the idea that we aren’t good enough.

How is this problem solved? Honestly, it’s an everyday uphill battle. The world is screaming at us in one way or another that we have to look a certain way, behave a certain way, have a certain label on our clothing, and by all means a woman without a man is a death sentence to the chill of solitary. We don’t realize that somewhere deep within there’s a small whisper trying to encourage us to reach our divine potential. We all have gifts and talents that we underestimate. Using another Alanis lyric [from Thank U], “how ‘bout remembering your divinity?” I think that a lot of the unhappiness in this world is based on the fact that there are so many out there just trying to figure out who they are. I’m here to tell you that you are a beloved child of Almighty God. Who are you NOT to be great? Our society is allowing the minority (non-believers) to scream at the top of their lungs that there is no God. When really, His goodness not only surrounds us but is within us. As we realize that we have this amazing divine nature and destiny, we begin to believe that we ARE good enough. We DO deserve to be happy. And it’s our duty to help the people around us to feel of God’s love and the happiness that it can bring.

Lastly, to quote the end of “So Unsexy,” “Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly the moment I decide not to abandon me.” Essentially, these feelings of inadequacy begin to disappear as we remember who we are! As we focus on being our best self and on being less selfish, happiness will cease to be that transparent dangling carrot perpetually before us. Happiness will be ours. Once we are at peace within ourselves, we will be ripe to participate in a healthy, successful relationship and unwilling to settle for less.

Always the buddy... Never the boo...

2007-08-20T20:56:00.000-04:00

This phrase comes from the hit movie, “Brown Sugar.” It’s one of my faves. It’s like “When Harry Met Sally” meets hip hop. Kinda. At any rate, this phrase perfectly describes me. I’m always the best friend… but never the girlfriend. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years… It’s been a vicious cycle for more than 10 years. I’ve tried to figure out within myself why this is, how it may be changed, and do I even want it TO change?

I realized the other day for the first time, that my expectations to find love are the very reason(s) I find myself in the buddy position. My favorite love quote of all time is: “Love is friendship caught on fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good times and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weakness.” I’ve always been looking for that spark to catch friendship on fire. I think I may have been close a few times, but again, it’s always been my lot in life to maintain the buddy status. The thing is, as I search for this spark, I inevitably end up falling. And although I’ve not been in an actual romantic relationship with these buddies, the hardness of the fall has still given me grief and pain. I think that it’s as much pain in these “non-relationships” as it is in a “normal, functioning” relationship.

So what is the cycle of which I speak? Simply, I usually somehow end up becoming friends with boys in my social circle. Whether it’s someone from school, church, or someone with whom I work… These men yield power that they do not realize! Usually, for me, these men are entertaining in some way, and I find them somewhat appealing to look at. The bond of friendship grows and as it does my attachment grows as well.

I was talking to one of my best friends on this topic recently - she has endured this same cycle. She explained that it comes down to expectations and misinterpretations. This is so true. When a woman is friends with a man, it seems that there inevitably comes a time when she ponders whether or not this man is someone with whom she’d like to spend her life. There’s usually some kind of natural attraction; it can be physical, intellectual, spiritual, whatever. Women generally grow more attracted to men physically as their love grows for that man in other areas. While this questioning goes on within the woman regarding this man in her life, her expectations begin. All too often, the expectations of a relationship are not spelled out by either party. All of a sudden, the woman has these high expectations because the man’s behavior toward her has led her to believe that his interest is on the same track as hers… Or she hopes that if she hangs onto the relationship longer that his intentions will match hers. In essence, the woman is investing a LOT of emotional energy into this “non-relationship.”

This whole scenario calls to mind Harry’s mantra in “When Harry Met Sally.” Harry tells Sally that men and women can never really be just friends. I find that the vast majority of the time, this is true. One of my personal beliefs is that there are exceptions to every rule. And this rule is no exception! I have several guy friends that are just friends. Some of whom I may have had a brief crush on at some point, some upon whom I’ve never crushed. And I daresay that these men have never crushed on me either. These guys have been dear friends of mine. In these situations, men and women really can be just friends. The expectations of both parties, whether spoken or unspoken, are in sync.

I don’t know if there’s really an answer about changing this cycle. Sometimes it seems that divine intervention plays a hand in who we choose to share our lives with. I’ve had situations that… well… we truly did love each other. And for whatever reason, it just didn’t happen. It seems inexplicable at times. Neither of us could explain it. And it was beyond heartbreaking to endure. But I did endure it. And even more than that, I still want to love and be loved.

Lastly, do I really want to change this cycle? Well, when all is said and done, no. I don’t. Eventually, this is the cycle that will lead me to my eternal companion. Eventually, a friendship will come into my life that will be caught on fire. I can’t explain how or why I hold on to that hope. Perhaps it is hopeless romanticism or maybe sheer stupidity. Perhaps I’ve read one too many Jane Austen novels. Nevertheless, I truly do believe that this pain I’ve felt within my heart, the feelings of rejection and ungoodness… As well as their counter-parts (loving, feeling loved, exquisite goodness)... These will all make sense at some future time. These things will all contribute to the greatness of a relationship that has yet to be born.

I'd like to add one last note... This is for the guys... If you have a woman best friend... and you find yourself preferring to spend time or talk with her than with the woman you have chosen to date... This is a HUGE sign that there is something fundamentally WRONG in your romantic relationship. You should take a step back and evaluate your feelings. This doesn't necessarily mean that you should hook up with your best friend... But as hokey as it sounds, your romantic partner really should be your best friend. You shouldn't need to seek anything more from anyone else if your romantic relationship is to be a happy, successful and functioning relationship. Ultimately, you shouldn't be emotionally closer to someone with whom you have no romantic ties than with someone with whom you are romantically involved.

In the beginning...

2007-08-16T18:53:00.000-04:00

Abstinence and the City:

If you are reading this and you know me, you know that I have had this idea rolling around in my head for awhile. If you don’t know me, you’re probably wondering, “what the…?!” Let us go back a few years to when I was living in Salt Lake City, UT…

Living in SLC as a young single adult can have its advantages in many ways. There are of course disadvantages as well. I found that there seemed to be many relationship disadvantages in the forefront of my life (as well as many friends). As such, many topics of conversation would follow [with my friends] on the woes of being single. Around this time, I had a few dear friends that were into the hit HBO series, “Sex and the City.” Personally, I think the show is complete trash and you may as well admit that you’re watching soft porn. I am an active LDS young single adult and as such, I don’t believe in sex before marriage. This is when the light bulb above my head almost exploded with electricity coursing through and EUREKA! Abstinence and the City was conceived in theory. Now is the time for it to come to fruition.

I understand that my views may seem old-fashioned or outdated to some. Nevertheless and notwithstanding, they are my views. I am entitled to them. You are entitled to yours. Don’t be hatin’ and we’ll all get along just fine.

Above, I mentioned that during my time in SLC (almost six years worth), I had many conversations on the upsets of relationshipping. In my case (I’m not going to lie), it’s always more about the LACK of a relationship (or the existence of an actual non-relationship) that has caused the grief. I am one of many, it would seem, that for whatever reason doesn’t date much. Honestly, I am quite OK with that. In life there are daters and relationshippers. I’d prefer to be a relationshipper. The whole idea of an unstable life consisting of playing the field has never been appealing to me. Even as a second grader I’d have long-term crushes on boys. This is my nature, I’ve realized.

Throughout this blog, I will probably more than once refer to personal experiences in one way, shape, or form. I’d like to think that even though I’ve never been in a serious relationship (which, I will admit, feels pathetic and agonizing at times), that my many experiences in “non-relationships” have given me enough experience to know what love is and in theory how I perceive a relationship should be.

With all that being said, this is the beginning of a new adventure. I anticipate enjoying getting to release my many thoughts and ideas on the various topics that will surely arise with regard to relationshipping. All I ask of you, the reader, is to enjoy this for what it is: One lone girl’s experiences in the garden of singledom.