Torch

So, the new Alanis album, Flavors of Entanglement, comes out this Tuesday (June 10). Fortunately, I've been able to preview it on VH1.com, bless their cyber soul. I've listened to it no less than 50 times already, I'm sure. My copy is en route via the pony express as I type. There are a few songs that would seemingly be about her relationship with Ryan Reynolds. There is one song, Torch, that I'm kind of thinking about.

I've had my share of "non-relationships." I've referred to this term and vague situations in previous posts. And at times, the emotional bonds in these non-relationships can be seemingly almost as strong as those in "normal" relationships. So as I've been listening to Torch, I've been pondering upon my own experiences. We can't always explain why relationships change and even end at times.

I have loved. And in the midst of that love, I was unable to imagine not loving that person. As Alanis sings, "I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Alanis also says in this song, "These are not times for the weak in heart." We don't just stop loving the one that we once loved. Our love changes... and I know that for me, I reflect upon the days and subjects of that love with a tender heart. It no longer seems to matter that it didn't work out, the pain isn't as strong as it once was and the happiness of the memories of the bond are able to overpower it. And at some point the pain is overpowered into oblivion. And life goes on. And the heart begins to yearn again for love.

I feel like I am trying to be more careful, though. I seem to have gotten myself into a pattern of the unrequited love. My story is that of Iris in the hit film, "The Holiday." In the opening she says, "And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual." I've found that the more effort I put into the hope of a relationship, the harder I fall... Though it's always one-sided. Is it wrong to want to protect myself? Is it not prudent? Is it wrong to want to be pursued? But how does one actually get to that point? How do the reserved communicate their desire to BE pursued? These are the things that go through my head these days. I guess that (again, as Alanis sings in her new song, Incomplete), "One day I'll be at peace, I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt..."

My passive aggressiveness can be devestating...

So I’ve been thinking lately about myself and the way I am with regard to members of the opposite sex. For some reason, I can be all Flirty McFlirtFlirt with guys I’m NOT all that into - probably because it’s safe. However, with guys that I am potentially interested in getting to know, I tend to shy up a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got biting wit and good humour 24/7 no matter what. But I guess I’m not overly… expressive in my potential interest. I’ve never been the aggressive type to throw myself at a guy. At least I don’t think so… Correct me if I’m wrong.

I’ve also learned that my passive aggressive ways have been successful in the past in communicating my feelings… And when the guy doesn’t seem to be getting the clue, it’s because he’s just not that into me, but enjoys or appreciates my friendship. That’s never an enjoyable realization to come to. I’ve tried over the years to have a more expanded outlook on these scenarios. Clearly these relationships were not meant to be, I wouldn’t want to have to “force” or convince someone to love me anyway.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like the idea of the guy pursuing the girl! In a ward that I was in in Utah, the girls were counseled to make it known that they were available to the guy and then drop the ball. It’s in a man’s nature to want to hunt his prey, right? So they say. I guess I just figure that in the cases of successful relationships, even when a guy is shy, if he really wants to, he will make the move on the girl. I’ve seen it happen and that’s what I’m banking on…

It's Good to Be in Love

Don't you worry... I'm not in love. Don't let the title deceive you. The title is in fact a song. Shocking for me, I know. But I heart music and sometimes I can really just relate to it. I was introduced to Frou Frou a couple of years ago, but I just barely obtained the full album, Details. I must say the song, It's Good to Be in Love, really kinda related to some of my past experience(s). So for your entertainment, take a look at these lyrics and if you're lucky, maybe you can find the song somewhere to listen to it. If you're see me, it's on my Zune and I can hook you up :) I don't know... it just reminds me of all the one-sided love affairs I've had in my life and though I'm not currently "black and blue all over," it just really kinda spoke to me. Also, I'm trying to be better about getting blogs posted, so.. Grab it and growl, kids :)

"It's Good To Be In Love"
I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that i smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what I'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on what can i do?
Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everythingI'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

Our Name Is Our Virtue

To quote the new hit Jason Mraz song, “I’m Yours,” ‘I guess what I be sayin is that there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons, it’s what we aim to do, our name is our virtue.’ I think that we often pretend to be something that we’re not when we begin a relationship - or attempt to begin a new relationship. We just need to be ourselves. Be natural.

I think most of us, for unknown reasons, have forgotten that perhaps we should approach relationships with honesty - not only with the other person, but honesty with ourselves. We try to convince ourselves that things are gonna get better, when the bottom line is that we don't really WANT them to. I know a girl that started dating a guy about a month ago. Even though after the first date (he brought his parents) she wasn’t really interested in pursuing things with him. She has since decided to continue to date him. Their relationship seems to have progressed quickly in the physical sense (though apparently it’s average in worldly relationships). She is just now finding more and more quirks that he has. Granted, everyone has quirks and most shouldn’t be “deal breakers.” Though from what she’s been telling me, he’s got some major OCD tendencies. And he’s trying to impose his OCD tendencies on her. Of course she’s not willing to adopt these crazy, inconvenient tendencies. Countless times she’s said “I dunno… I don’t think I can deal with this long-term,” or something like unto it. In her case, she's got kids to think about, too. How will keeping this guy around affect not only her, but her children? All these complaints and yet not willing to stop the insanity!

So what is it about people that get into relationships and they KNOW they absolutely know in their gut that this person isn’t the one that they will want to spend the rest of their life/existence with… and yet they keep hanging on hoping that something will change. It’s like they’re more in love with the idea of a relationship than the actual person with whom they’re relationshipping. Again, I must quote Alanis, “why why do I try to change you try to change you when you really don’t want me to?” It just never works when we try to change someone. If someone chooses to change on their own, for their own purposes that’s one thing… But it pretty much never really works when we try to mold someone into something they’re not - simply to appease our ideas of what we want. It’s selfish and less effective.

Yet again, we’re not being honest with ourselves and certainly not with the other person. How ‘bout we stop wasting time with the wrong person and focus on finding the right one? We wonder why so many of us can’t find happiness, can’t find a successful relationship, etc. It’s simply because… well, to quote Anne Shirley in the final scene of Anne of Avonlea, “It’s just I went searching for my ideals outside of myself. I discovered it’s not what the world holds for you… It’s what you bring to it.” It’s time we learn who we are and what we can bring to the relationship table. Once we do, we will be prepared for our own perfect relationship with all its flaws. :)

Waiting

I was reminded today about how horrible I am at updating my blog. So to be assuaging, I asked for topical ideas and here I am. Unfortunately, the topics that were suggested haven’t really… inspired me much. So I guess, per usual, I should just start writing and see where I go.

I am still having a lack of love interest these days. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but having reached and passed the age of 30 (officially 31, but I prefer to refer to it as 20-11), I feel the tick tock of the biological clock. I have friends that are on their 4th child or more… I have friends that are almost a decade younger than me not only being married but having their first child, too. It’s taxing sometimes – only because I’m still waiting. I guess my question is, how long should one continue “waiting?”

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means implying (nor should you infer) that I am ready to just shack up with any guy that’ll have me. That’s just not the way I roll, and certainly is not an option. I haven’t waited this long for Mr. Right to throw all my hopes and dreams away on Mr. Wrong, Mr. Not-So-Much, or Mr. No Thank You. I still have my standards, and although I would LOOOVE a Mr. Darcy or John Thornton, I know that those men are fictitious and likely don’t exist. Nevertheless, I do still have high expectations for the man with whom I will share my eternity.

I guess what I am getting at is that I sometimes feel like giving up. I want to believe that there really isn’t someone out there. I get sick of this sitting, wishing and waiting. People often say it happens when you’re not looking [for it]. Well, that sucks to be me because I’ve been looking for it for longer than I can recollect. I have journal entries from when I was in elementary school talking about wanting to get married and have children. However, for some unknown and likely divine reason, I have this undying hope underneath it all. I hope that he really is out there. He really is searching for me as I am for him. He’s the yin to my yang, the micro to my chip. I mean, COME ON! Right?

I suppose the only thing to be done is to continue in patience and long-suffering. I’ve had my share of disappointments, dashed hopes and unrealized dreams. Though in the long run, all of those things will have contributed to the greatness that will be. And so in the meantime, I will have to try to instill what Alanis says in the bridge of 21 Things, “I’m in no hurry… I could wait forever, I’m in no rush cause I like being solo. There are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…”

Lack of blog related to lack of love!

Well, it’s been eternity since I last posted a blog. I think that part of the reason behind the lack of postage, if you will, is the lack of a love interest. So, I think that it’s time to go with that and see what I can come up with as I write. I mean, this is what a blog is all about, right?

As with most women, I am preoccupied with love in the back of my mind. Regardless of what is in the forefront requiring my attention, in the back of my mind the one thing that I want the most is to find “the one.” Is there really a “one?” I venture to say yes and no. I think that there is a right one at the right time. Plenty of people can be compatible with a variety of people, but it’s ultimately our choice to nurture a relationship – nurtured by both people – and ultimately make the relationship into that of which dreams are made.

As I mentioned earlier, my lack of blog is directly related to lack of love. Sometimes I have to wonder if I’m a hopeless (as opposed to hopeful) romantic. I mean, I know I’m obsessed with love stories – romantic comedies and Jane Austen occupy much of my entertainment world. But is it unhealthy to expect the kind of love, devotion and passion that is found in these works? I have to say NO. We see so many relationships call it quits these days. Divorce is easier and easier and many people go into a marriage anticipating the possibility of divorce. There are a variety of reasons for divorce, but the one I want to address right now is the fact that so many people (especially women) simply settle. Women are so in love with being in love that they’ll often settle for someone that doesn’t treat them as well as they should or doesn’t have enough like-mindedness to work through the obstacles that absolutely will occur in a marriage. Women will settle because the idea of being in a relationship (regardless of whether or not it is a healthy relationship) is more appealing than being alone.

I’ve consistently had the desire to marry someone in my own faith. That requirement is non-negotiable. For me, this would help in finding someone who is like-minded. I have seen too many relationships become painful because there isn’t the common ground of faith and devotion to an eternal perspective. I refuse to compromise that which is precious to me above all else. Whatever one’s beliefs are, I think relationships can be a little bit easier when both individuals have common long-term goals. No man or relationship will ever be worth compromising my faith.

However, I also think that this is the reason that I have lack of love at this point in my life. It has nothing to do with “wookin pa nub in all da wong pwaces!” It’s just… I don’t know what it is, really. But I have to believe that as long as I am trying my best to be my best and looking for ways to love and serve the world around me, I will be led to the one at that place when it’s time. And if I commit myself to not settle for less than I am worth, I can avoid much heartache. There is a popular LDS figure (John Bytheway) that has said several things on this matter, “You can fall in love with someone you should not be with,” and “It’s better to be alone and miserable than miserable with someone else.” I truly do believe those things. So in the meantime, while my Mr. Darcy is en route to me, I’ll do my best to be happy where I am and at the same time keep the hope alive that underneath it all, the kind of love that we all hope for is alive and well for all of us if we’re willing to be patient. After all, the best things in life are worth waiting for, right?

Is it better to date, or not to date? That is the question!

It would seem that there are some girls in life that “walk in the light.” I am not one of these girls. These are the girls that seem to get dates and/or boyfriends simply because they exist. They are not necessarily girls that are prettier than the pretty girls… more intelligent than the intelligent girls… Simply, they are not more extraordinary than the other amazing women that are their peers. Their peers are just as amazing, attractive and alluring as their well-lit counter-parts. For some strange phenomenon, though, these girls [the ones surrounded by the light] are consistently the ones going through dozens of first dates, countless failed relationships, etc. Their counter-parts, though, no matter what they do (aside from throwing themselves at guys) don’t seem to date more than once a year if they are lucky. I don’t know why this phenomenon exists, but it does.

I mentioned at the beginning that I am not one of these girls that walk in this so-called light. I have been one of many that have been on the sidelines watching a small portion of girls get asked out by all the guys. I don’t really know if these girls really understand what it’s like to be the best friend instead of the leading lady. Though several of my co-best-friends and I have discussed this phenomenon and have wondered amongst ourselves which is better? To date, or not date? I’m sure that the other side has strong opinions about it as well…

Firstly, I must admit that I am very lucky to be a part of a culture that provides a way to meet other singles. Being a member of the LDS church has its advantages in singledom. When I lived in Salt Lake, I was a part of a congregation (ward) that was all young single adults (18-30 years old). Most of these members were students, all were single and shared the same faith. In areas where there is a large population of LDS people, these student/young single adult wards can range anywhere from 100-300+ people. Several wards make up a stake (sometimes there are 8-10 wards). If you do the math, you see that the potential to meet people is much better than the average young single adult without such a “resource.”

I was in the same ward (the ward you usually would attend is based upon your geographical location) for the last 4 years that I lived in SLC. It was seriously the best ward I’ve ever been in. Evenso, there were those certain girls that were the ones that were consistently asked out by every type of guy. It didn’t matter how long the girl had been in the ward… Most of the guys at one point or another would ask out these select few girls. Even the new guys when they moved in (who probably hadn’t received the memo that these girls were the ones that all the boys were dating) seemed to instinctively know that they should ask one (or more) of these girls out. After four years in this ward, hundreds of people came and went throughout that time, including the well-lit girls. I was always on the side-lines (with the majority I might add) not being asked out. I can probably count on one hand how many actual “dates” I went on during that time. I won’t lie - it was (and is) a frustrating matter. In our society the lack of male attention must mean that there is something totally wrong with us, right? No matter how well-adjusted, intelligent, or just plain great I may feel… This doesn’t seem to change my lot in life. I am one of the many that consistently feels passed over and at times just plain not good enough because of this lack of male attention. Most women in this life want to find a husband… Someone with whom they may share their life and build a family. I am one of these women, of course. And yet… I feel like there’s something beyond my control… even beyond my understanding that has prohibited this. I feel as though I am in a constant state of limbo… waiting for the rest of my life to begin. I feel like I am not a grown-up if I’m not a wife and mother… I still feel like I’m 20 years old! And yet, I am an adult. Aging gracefully, of course :) I am an overall happy person, don’t get me wrong. I have a great job and am busy with the various responsibilities of my life. At the same time, though, I know that there’s something more… There’s a way to fufill the measure of my creation. A higher law that has never changed since the beginning of time. It’s difficult to have these desires [to be a wife and mother] and to know that it’s not solely up to me. Just because I want it doesn’t mean that I can easily get it. Somebody else has to CHOOSE to want to be with me. And when you’re not being asked out on ANY dates you begin to wonder how this will ever be remotely possible.

I now live in an area where the young single adults are few and far betweem (as far as LDS YSA go). I can’t even really find an unrequited crush (as I’ve suffered through so many times before), let alone a date. Once again, I don’t know what the answer to this is. And when I think about these girls that walk in the light… I can recognize that their journey is likely just as hard as mine, though completely different. They are the ones that feel like they’re being asked out based on physical attributes alone.. They are the ones that feel as though their greatness within is underestimated even though they’re showered with attention. And yet they’re still in the single boat with those of us that aren’t dating. And honestly… as much as it can really suck sometimes… I’m glad that I am not required to waste time with so many wrong ones while I wait to find the right one.

I guess the only thing we can do… Is to continue on doing the best we can in all aspects of life. Make sure that we are the person that we need to be for the person that we want to be with someday. Essentially we need to develop our best selves, and someday at just the right moment, the spotlight will shine down upon each of us.