30 October 2008
At any rate. We had a relaxing trip to the Orlando area of Florida. Spent some time at downtown Disney and City Walk at Universal. I was vacationing with retired and almost retired family members, so the pace was nice and slow. Got to see some sights and relax. Wish the weather would’ve been better so I could’ve returned with a tan, but alas, I’m still pale!
So one of the exciting things that happened involves a little lizard. Two to be precise. OK, anyone that knows me knows that I am not a fan of critters. And so when I sat down on my bed at the motel, and looked down to see a LIZARD on my LEG, I kinda freaked out (to say the least). Be rest assured there was screaming, jumping and general freak-out behaviour in abundance. So for some reason my mother refused to believe and kept questioning me if I was “sure” it was a lizard. I’m thinking, I looked that little cold blooded thing practically in it’s little beadie eyes! YES! It was a LIZARD! ACK! Anyway. So the lizard went MIA. And we were on high alert. This terror alert was definitely above orange. So a little while later we noticed aforementioned lizard on my MOM’S BED. He’s blending in with the comforter – can you see him??
Anyway, like the girly girl that I can be, I locked myself in the bathroom hoping my mom could catch and release the thing. She had a Dixie cup. Unfortunately, he wasn’t cooperative. He jumped around. Well, he jumped on the floor, and in order to preserve a good night’s rest for us, my mom threw a paper on him and then… well, she stomped on him. He wasn’t squished, that’s gross. I like to think she scared him to death. So then she wrapped him up and disposed of him. Tragic, I know.
Well that’s not the END of our lizard torment! Oh, no. So a couple of days later, I wake up to my mom in the corner of our room spraying her hairspray. I asked her what in heck she was doing, to which she sheepishly replied, “spraying hairspray on the lizard over here…” I was like WHAT?!?!? Another one? Apparently she’d spotted him the day before on the curtain rod of our sliding glass door. She played it cool, not wanting to freak me out again. However (comma), he’d made his move to the floor. He was entering OUR turf. So apparently my uncle had suggested she spray her hairspray on it. She took it to new levels – also sprayed spray gel and some other hair product on our little intruder. Well, he didn’t even flinch (unlike me – I was constantly flinching all night freaking out feeling like there was a lizard stalking me). He didn’t move one inch all day.. and his color was starting to fade. When we returned that night, he was still in the same exact space. So either he was really good at playing statue, or he was hairsprayed to death. So one of my aunts was apparently the tomboy of the three girls growing up and has no qualms about critters. She came in that night picked him and said he was stiff as a bored. He was confirmed dead. Yep. So she disposed of him for us. CRISES ENDURED!
Other than all that, the wedding was great and the time spent with family was priceless. Now I’m back to Ohio and the delightful chilliness it brings, living lizard free.
15 October 2008
Anyway... I've gotten rave reviews on my new 'do, thanks to everyone for appreciating it :) I am pleased with it, so good times in Angela Land.
So with all my driving and meeting and planning tonight, I am not catching any of the presidential debate. And I'm OK with that. I will read about it tomorrow when Glenn Beck breaks it down for me like a fraction. All I know is this: I am so not FOR socialism. Period. God Bless America.
At any rate, I am excited for tomorrow because I get to go to dinner (at the Cheesecake Factory no less) with two of my HSBFFs. That is, High School BFFs. They've both had birthdays recently and we're far overdue for a little lovin' amongst us. So I'm pretty excited about that. And HI, Cheesecake Factory. Need I say More? Ooh, I'll have to take pics of my meal and post them on here. Because ha. That's what single people do. We don't have children or significant others to make pictoral exhibitions of, and so we make do with what we can. Ha! Anyway... I best get this bad boy posted. Maybe I am boring. *hmm*
13 October 2008
06 October 2008
I really thought that that was somewhat profound. I’m sure that most of us have loved and lost… and/or loved and not ever obtained… Regardless of the form of said loss, it is loss.
Loss doesn’t equate with the end of loving. It’s a process to heal, sure, but you don’t necessarily stop loving. I guess you just stop nurturing that love. Without the nurturing, it ceases to grow. For awhile, it will remain stagnant or unchanging, but soon, it will lessen. It will start to shrivel up when that relationship enters its winter. There seems to me, though, that there is always a root… That doesn’t mean that nothing else can grow there, of course. It just means that the bloom that was once there has withered away, making room for a new bloom.
I can’t pretend to be knowledgeable of flowering ways, but that was just the flow of my thoughts. I look back on the boys and men I’ve loved. Each time the roots grow stronger. The stronger the roots, the more tender the remembrance seems to be. I have not stopped loving, but simply, I have learned to live without the bloom of that love and the roots become a foundation for the next bloom…
Recently, however, I met someone that apparently feels the need to set anybody and everybody up. Or at least suggest hook-ups. Now, the thing is, this person lacks the… intuition of a matchmaker. This person seems to think that the only thing people need in common is their single status.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned in previous posts, older guys kinda freak me out. Yes, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m 31 and can even say 31 without starting to heave! But I’m not at a point in my life where a guy in his mid to late 40’s is NOT gonna freak me out (unless of course he’s George Clooney!). I don’t think that it’s really the age… but personality compatibility is absolutely necessary. I have a young, fun heart. A middle-aged man that fits in the middle aged personality category and I are probably not gonna be so compatible.
Does this qualify me as shallow? I don’t think so. There is an element of chemistry that is necessary when choosing an eternal companion, is there not? Like-mindedness is a desirable component in a relationship! In reality, I know that age doesn’t matter… Although, someone that is closer to my mother’s age than mine… Well, can you BLAME me for freaking out?!!? I mean, really.
I’ve been accused of being too picky. But really? Just because I’m not willing to settle for less than happily everafter? Granted, it’s not like I’ve had options, but nevertheless… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having standards and expectations – as long as they are realistic. I’m not so anal about it that I would turn someone away simply because of his age. Though, I will not settle for less than an active, worthy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There are some preferences that are negotiable… but in like manner, there are some that are not. To quote Alanis, “Not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer. I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter…”
It’s not easy being ever alone. But I feel that, in a way, God is protecting me. I’m not being tempted by the fruit of one who is unworthy. I’m not falling in love with someone that cannot make me happy. It’s not always so bad. And underneath it all, there is hope. As we were reminded this weekend by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, there is no blessing that will be withheld from us if we are worthy of it. At times it is difficult to consider that it could possibly be in the next life before I am to realize this righteous desire of eternal companionship… But it fosters hope that I am on the right path. And when all is said and done, “I’m in no hurry… I could wait forever, I’m in no rush ‘cause I like being solo there are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…”
18 August 2008
The way these "programs" are set up is in such a way that the Young Single Adults are 18-30 and are generally college age adults. Well, then everyone else that is single is lumped into the Single Adults. 31-infinity. With the trends of today, that makes it quite a varied group. Not only age but situation (never married, divorced, widowed, etc). I have been poaching in the Young Single Adults group for the last year. I haven't had any obections, of course as I've been one of the main people that has planned and executed many of the activities.
Socially speaking, unfortunately, I don't really feel like I've been getting much from these activities. There are a variety of reasons... I guess for the most part... when I'm driving the hour or so home from the activity... I don't feel fulfilled, uplifted, happy.. or anything along those lines. So as I said, I don't feel like I get all that much from the activities.
Now, there is a potential for a Mid-Single Adult group... It's being looked into to determine whether there's an actual need for it, per se.
I've historically been kinda freaked out about guys older than me... At least in recent years. I believe I've written before that the age of guy that I have tended to be interested in hasn't changed much in the last ten years... They used to be older than me, but now... not so much :) Anyway... So I've been hanging on to the YSA group fearing the unknown.. Fearing being stuck socializing with a bunch of retirees. Not that there isn't a time and place for that... But that's not exactly what I'm looking for socially.
So my friend and I were discussing these ideas earlier today. Firstly, do I really believe that I'm gonna meet someone (aka "the one") at Church? or at a Church activity? Some argue that you're more likely to meet someone through a common acquaintance. These are all possibilities. Let's not kid ourselves.
In pondering this... I came to a conclusion. I have no idea where I'll meet someone. But I surely won't be meeting anyone if I'm sitting at home avoiding life and all it has to offer. Sometimes we have to endure the mundane things in order to prove ourselves. I compared it to an aspect of missionary life. As a full-time LDS missionary, there are a variety of ways to find people to teach the gospel to. We all know that tracting is one of the least effective ways. Knocking door to door and finding someone that is interested is a rarity. It's not impossible, of course. Just rare. But as missionaries, we did it. We would knock doors when we had no other teaching appointments or member families to ask for referrals. Even though we KNEW that it was less effective, we were still putting forth the effort because it was the Lord's time and His work. And when we were obedient and doing everything we knew how to do... We would inevitably be blessed. We might not find someone at the home of a door we knocked... But maybe a member family had a friend that was now ready to be taught. We used the Lord's time wisely and He blessed us for it.
I determined that our life as single adults is much like that. Though instead of finding someone to share the gospel with, we're wanting to find someone to share our eternity with. Instead of knocking on doors, we attend single adult activities that might not be the most exciting or fulfilling of activities for us... But we do these things with the hope that we are proving to the Lord that we are willing to do what it takes to be led to a person that has been prepared for us. It's not easy... It won't always be bunnies and flowers happy... But in the end it will be worth it. The Lord really does have a timeline for each of us. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. It's just difficult for us to appreciate because we don't have the perfect eternal perspective that God has. He knows so much better than we do what's best for us. We have to choose to believe that. And as we strive to make choices that align with Heavenly Father's will, well then... That is when we find our peace.
16 August 2008
So my title for this entry is not just a clever name... Let's start with gray hairs. What's up with that? I've long enjoyed my days of pigmented hairs on my head. It was around my 29th birthday when I first noticed a gray hair. I was having a hard enough time dealing with approaching the dead end I envisioned 30 would be, so I promptly yanked it out without looking back. It's been a couple of years since then... And I prided my fully pigmented locks. Several weeks ago (with a youthful 'do of pig-tailed french braids no less), a friend of mine spotted a strand of hair that was white like the surf on the sea... Glaring out at the world from amidst my dark locks. In a moment of panic, I requested the necessary assistance to remove it. Again, it was yanked out. But wait. This is NOT the end. Just this last week... I was on my way to work and as I glanced in the rearview mirror... I noticed a kind of light colored hair staring at me. Sticking staright up from the crown of my head. It was shorter than the rest. And it was making itself known to me. Maybe marking its territory, I don't know. But it did a killer impersonation of Alfalfa. Seriously. Though, of course being one strand, it was more like Alfalfa Light. So... As ornery as it was... I stared it in the face (er... follicle?), and have accepted it into my life. I can't always see it, but I know it's there. Ready and willing to add character to the hairs on my head. I've since discovered another one hiding in among the hairs along my one temple. It's more subtle. But it, too has been allowed to stay. At present, they're not wreaking havoc. So they've been allowed to remain as they are.
Nextly we have the odds. Now most of you should know that I am Mormon aka LDS aka member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is a very family oriented religion. And as most people and especially as most Mormons, I would someday love to have a family of my own. Now, in recent years the numbers of single adult Mormons has continued to grow. So I was quite shocked to read my odds as calculated circa 1981.
I found myself reading about Single Adults in the Encyclopedia of Mormonism. Apparently there was a study done in 1981 (by I think Goodman and Heaton) on LDS single adults. A few of the facts that they determined were somewhat disturbing, yet quite explanatory as to my current situation [lack of love life]. Now, apparently, this study has determined that the odds for an active LDS woman over age 30 to marry an active LDS man over age 30 is quite an impossibility. Why? Well, for every 100 active LDS women (attends church regularly) over the age of 30, there are only 19 active LDS men. That's right. Pathetic. And this study was done in 1981! What of it NOW??? It would seem to me that the number of amazing, accomplished, active LDS women as multiplied exceedingly! I personally know at least a dozen! Not all are necessarily over 30, of course but many are nigh unto the taboo age of which I speak.
Surprisingly, I have not allowed myself to freak out about this information, as alarming as it sounds, I'm OK. :) I knew you were worried, see. As I've mentioned previously in blogs past, deep down there is still an undying hope for things to come. Hope that the righteous desires of my heart will at last be fulfilled. To quote an old favorite jazz standard, "someday he'll come along... the man I love..."
23 June 2008
OK, I'll bite... though mine won't be as entertaining as Mary's ;)
-new Alanis Album
-Working in the temple (these are in no particular order, by the way!)
-As Alanis once sang, "I'm consumed by the chill of solitary." So yes, that means exactly what it sounds like. One of my biggest fears is that I will spend all of mortality alone. Not that I'm ALONE alone. I have amazing friends and family members and what not. But it's different. You can't tell me otherwise, because I feel the incompleteness of my existence.
- I fear the potential issues I may have in bearing children.
- I fear the unknown at times
- I want to be more organized. Things are relatively organized in my life, but I've got some fine tuning to do. I want to plan ahead enough to make sure that I go to the gym three times a week instead of sporadically. I want to be more organized so that I read my scriptures everyday, etc.
- I want to go back to school at some point and get my bachelor's degree - to become a middle school language arts teacher.
- I think it would be rad to write a book. Though, I've never really attempted it to be honest.
3 Current Obsessions/Collections
- Alanis - I've always hearted Alanis. And with her new album recently being released, I've been listening to it pretty much all day everyday at work. and usually it's on my Zune while i'm driving and stuff, too. That may be considered an obsession :)
- Glenn Beck is a new obsession. I think he's brilliant and informed and freaking hilarious and I love reading his email newsletters and loved seeing his show in Akron and love discussing him and his ideas with my friend Heather.
- I apparently have an obsession with taking self-portraits. you can check most of them out on my facebook or myspace pages. i think it's hilarious :)
3 Random/Surprising Facts
Hmm.. i have no idea. um... how about whomever is reading this blog puts a random thing about me. I'm sure to be surprised :) Sorry I'm lame and can't think of anything entertaining enough...
Ok, I'm gonna tag... Timi, Amy, Katie, Amanda and Elizabeth!
07 June 2008
I've had my share of "non-relationships." I've referred to this term and vague situations in previous posts. And at times, the emotional bonds in these non-relationships can be seemingly almost as strong as those in "normal" relationships. So as I've been listening to Torch, I've been pondering upon my own experiences. We can't always explain why relationships change and even end at times.
I have loved. And in the midst of that love, I was unable to imagine not loving that person. As Alanis sings, "I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Alanis also says in this song, "These are not times for the weak in heart." We don't just stop loving the one that we once loved. Our love changes... and I know that for me, I reflect upon the days and subjects of that love with a tender heart. It no longer seems to matter that it didn't work out, the pain isn't as strong as it once was and the happiness of the memories of the bond are able to overpower it. And at some point the pain is overpowered into oblivion. And life goes on. And the heart begins to yearn again for love.
I feel like I am trying to be more careful, though. I seem to have gotten myself into a pattern of the unrequited love. My story is that of Iris in the hit film, "The Holiday." In the opening she says, "And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual." I've found that the more effort I put into the hope of a relationship, the harder I fall... Though it's always one-sided. Is it wrong to want to protect myself? Is it not prudent? Is it wrong to want to be pursued? But how does one actually get to that point? How do the reserved communicate their desire to BE pursued? These are the things that go through my head these days. I guess that (again, as Alanis sings in her new song, Incomplete), "One day I'll be at peace, I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt..."
27 May 2008
I’ve also learned that my passive aggressive ways have been successful in the past in communicating my feelings… And when the guy doesn’t seem to be getting the clue, it’s because he’s just not that into me, but enjoys or appreciates my friendship. That’s never an enjoyable realization to come to. I’ve tried over the years to have a more expanded outlook on these scenarios. Clearly these relationships were not meant to be, I wouldn’t want to have to “force” or convince someone to love me anyway.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like the idea of the guy pursuing the girl! In a ward that I was in in Utah, the girls were counseled to make it known that they were available to the guy and then drop the ball. It’s in a man’s nature to want to hunt his prey, right? So they say. I guess I just figure that in the cases of successful relationships, even when a guy is shy, if he really wants to, he will make the move on the girl. I’ve seen it happen and that’s what I’m banking on…
21 May 2008
"It's Good To Be In Love"
I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that i smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what I'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on what can i do?
Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everythingI'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
07 May 2008
I think most of us, for unknown reasons, have forgotten that perhaps we should approach relationships with honesty - not only with the other person, but honesty with ourselves. We try to convince ourselves that things are gonna get better, when the bottom line is that we don't really WANT them to. I know a girl that started dating a guy about a month ago. Even though after the first date (he brought his parents) she wasn’t really interested in pursuing things with him. She has since decided to continue to date him. Their relationship seems to have progressed quickly in the physical sense (though apparently it’s average in worldly relationships). She is just now finding more and more quirks that he has. Granted, everyone has quirks and most shouldn’t be “deal breakers.” Though from what she’s been telling me, he’s got some major OCD tendencies. And he’s trying to impose his OCD tendencies on her. Of course she’s not willing to adopt these crazy, inconvenient tendencies. Countless times she’s said “I dunno… I don’t think I can deal with this long-term,” or something like unto it. In her case, she's got kids to think about, too. How will keeping this guy around affect not only her, but her children? All these complaints and yet not willing to stop the insanity!
So what is it about people that get into relationships and they KNOW they absolutely know in their gut that this person isn’t the one that they will want to spend the rest of their life/existence with… and yet they keep hanging on hoping that something will change. It’s like they’re more in love with the idea of a relationship than the actual person with whom they’re relationshipping. Again, I must quote Alanis, “why why do I try to change you try to change you when you really don’t want me to?” It just never works when we try to change someone. If someone chooses to change on their own, for their own purposes that’s one thing… But it pretty much never really works when we try to mold someone into something they’re not - simply to appease our ideas of what we want. It’s selfish and less effective.
Yet again, we’re not being honest with ourselves and certainly not with the other person. How ‘bout we stop wasting time with the wrong person and focus on finding the right one? We wonder why so many of us can’t find happiness, can’t find a successful relationship, etc. It’s simply because… well, to quote Anne Shirley in the final scene of Anne of Avonlea, “It’s just I went searching for my ideals outside of myself. I discovered it’s not what the world holds for you… It’s what you bring to it.” It’s time we learn who we are and what we can bring to the relationship table. Once we do, we will be prepared for our own perfect relationship with all its flaws. :)
06 May 2008
I am still having a lack of love interest these days. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but having reached and passed the age of 30 (officially 31, but I prefer to refer to it as 20-11), I feel the tick tock of the biological clock. I have friends that are on their 4th child or more… I have friends that are almost a decade younger than me not only being married but having their first child, too. It’s taxing sometimes – only because I’m still waiting. I guess my question is, how long should one continue “waiting?”
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means implying (nor should you infer) that I am ready to just shack up with any guy that’ll have me. That’s just not the way I roll, and certainly is not an option. I haven’t waited this long for Mr. Right to throw all my hopes and dreams away on Mr. Wrong, Mr. Not-So-Much, or Mr. No Thank You. I still have my standards, and although I would LOOOVE a Mr. Darcy or John Thornton, I know that those men are fictitious and likely don’t exist. Nevertheless, I do still have high expectations for the man with whom I will share my eternity.
I guess what I am getting at is that I sometimes feel like giving up. I want to believe that there really isn’t someone out there. I get sick of this sitting, wishing and waiting. People often say it happens when you’re not looking [for it]. Well, that sucks to be me because I’ve been looking for it for longer than I can recollect. I have journal entries from when I was in elementary school talking about wanting to get married and have children. However, for some unknown and likely divine reason, I have this undying hope underneath it all. I hope that he really is out there. He really is searching for me as I am for him. He’s the yin to my yang, the micro to my chip. I mean, COME ON! Right?
I suppose the only thing to be done is to continue in patience and long-suffering. I’ve had my share of disappointments, dashed hopes and unrealized dreams. Though in the long run, all of those things will have contributed to the greatness that will be. And so in the meantime, I will have to try to instill what Alanis says in the bridge of 21 Things, “I’m in no hurry… I could wait forever, I’m in no rush cause I like being solo. There are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…”
29 January 2008
As with most women, I am preoccupied with love in the back of my mind. Regardless of what is in the forefront requiring my attention, in the back of my mind the one thing that I want the most is to find “the one.” Is there really a “one?” I venture to say yes and no. I think that there is a right one at the right time. Plenty of people can be compatible with a variety of people, but it’s ultimately our choice to nurture a relationship – nurtured by both people – and ultimately make the relationship into that of which dreams are made.
As I mentioned earlier, my lack of blog is directly related to lack of love. Sometimes I have to wonder if I’m a hopeless (as opposed to hopeful) romantic. I mean, I know I’m obsessed with love stories – romantic comedies and Jane Austen occupy much of my entertainment world. But is it unhealthy to expect the kind of love, devotion and passion that is found in these works? I have to say NO. We see so many relationships call it quits these days. Divorce is easier and easier and many people go into a marriage anticipating the possibility of divorce. There are a variety of reasons for divorce, but the one I want to address right now is the fact that so many people (especially women) simply settle. Women are so in love with being in love that they’ll often settle for someone that doesn’t treat them as well as they should or doesn’t have enough like-mindedness to work through the obstacles that absolutely will occur in a marriage. Women will settle because the idea of being in a relationship (regardless of whether or not it is a healthy relationship) is more appealing than being alone.
I’ve consistently had the desire to marry someone in my own faith. That requirement is non-negotiable. For me, this would help in finding someone who is like-minded. I have seen too many relationships become painful because there isn’t the common ground of faith and devotion to an eternal perspective. I refuse to compromise that which is precious to me above all else. Whatever one’s beliefs are, I think relationships can be a little bit easier when both individuals have common long-term goals. No man or relationship will ever be worth compromising my faith.
However, I also think that this is the reason that I have lack of love at this point in my life. It has nothing to do with “wookin pa nub in all da wong pwaces!” It’s just… I don’t know what it is, really. But I have to believe that as long as I am trying my best to be my best and looking for ways to love and serve the world around me, I will be led to the one at that place when it’s time. And if I commit myself to not settle for less than I am worth, I can avoid much heartache. There is a popular LDS figure (John Bytheway) that has said several things on this matter, “You can fall in love with someone you should not be with,” and “It’s better to be alone and miserable than miserable with someone else.” I truly do believe those things. So in the meantime, while my Mr. Darcy is en route to me, I’ll do my best to be happy where I am and at the same time keep the hope alive that underneath it all, the kind of love that we all hope for is alive and well for all of us if we’re willing to be patient. After all, the best things in life are worth waiting for, right?